How to get back all that energy that you've lost

* this content is inspired from Schwartz, T., & McCarthy, C. (2007). Manage your energy, not your time. Harvard business review, 85(10), 63.

We live in a culture that praises business. Our calendars are packed, our days are scheduled to the minute, and our to-do lists never end. As leaders, we’re taught to value time—to manage it, control it, and use it wisely. But what if we’ve been focusing on the wrong thing all along?

Think about it: Have you ever had a fully planned day, every task accounted for, only to find yourself completely depleted by midday? You managed your time, yet you had nothing left to give. That’s because what truly drives performance, presence, and leadership is not time—it’s energy.

In this blog, we explore a new lens on productivity, one that shifts the conversation from efficiency to sustainability. Drawing from Tony Schwartz’s pioneering work at The Energy Project, we’ll look at why managing your energy is more effective than managing your time—and how this shift can transform your leadership from the inside out.

Here’s what we’ll cover in this blog:

1. Why time management isn’t enough for sustainable leadership

2. The four key dimensions of energy—and how to strengthen them

3. A self-assessment to uncover your energy leaks

4. Simple rituals to recharge your energy daily

5. Tools and insights from The Modern Leader that help put it all into practice

Let’s begin with the fundamental differences between these two approaches.

1. Time Management vs. Energy Management

Time management has long been the go-to method for increasing productivity. It’s about squeezing as much as possible into the limited hours of a day—prioritizing tasks, organizing schedules, and finding ways to do more in less time. And while these methods can work in the short term, they often come at a cost.

When we rely solely on time management, we create rigid systems that don’t account for how we feel, what we need, or when we naturally operate best. It assumes that we can perform at full capacity regardless of our mental state, physical health, or emotional well-being. Over time, this leads to burnout, disengagement, and exhaustion.

Energy management offers a different path. It recognizes that our energy fluctuates throughout the day—and that different types of energy fuel different aspects of our work. Rather than asking, “How can I get more done?”, energy management asks, “How can I show up with more presence, focus, and resilience?”

Where time is fixed, energy is renewable. And when you learn to manage it, everything changes.

“You can’t lead well on an empty tank. Energy is your real leadership currency”

2. The Four Dimensions of Energy

To lead at your best, you need to draw on more than just mental effort. Tony Schwartz’s model breaks energy into four dimensions: Physical, Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual. Each one contributes to your performance, and each one can be cultivated with intention.

Let’s take a closer look at each dimension.

a) Physical Energy: Your Foundation

Physical energy is the most obvious—and often the most overlooked. It’s your body’s fuel: the rest, nutrition, movement, and recovery that allow you to show up and function. Without a strong physical foundation, everything else becomes harder.

When your physical energy is low, even simple tasks feel like a slog. But when it’s high, you’re more alert, engaged, and resilient to stress. Think of your body as the battery powering your leadership.

To recharge:

• Prioritize consistent, high-quality sleep

• Move regularly, even in short bursts throughout the day

• Eat in a way that sustains energy, not spikes it

• Schedule short breaks to reset, especially between meetings

“If you don’t feel good in your body, it’s hard to feel good anywhere else.”

b) Emotional Energy: Regulating Your Inner World

Emotional energy determines the quality of your internal and external experiences. It’s not just about feeling good—it’s about having the capacity to respond rather than react, to navigate pressure with clarity, and to build positive relationships with others.

When emotional energy is high, you feel more optimistic, connected, and resilient. When it’s low, frustration, irritability, and disengagement take over.

To recharge:

• Practice self-regulation techniques like breathwork or journaling

• Spend time with uplifting, energizing people

• Create moments of joy, play, and laughter

• Give and receive appreciation regularly

“Where attention goes, energy flows. Guard your emotional state like the asset it is.”

c) Mental Energy: Focus and Clarity

Mental energy is what fuels your ability to concentrate, think strategically, and make clear decisions. It’s often drained not by big tasks—but by distractions, interruptions, and clutter.

When your mental energy is strong, you experience flow. Time disappears, and your output improves. But when it’s scattered, everything takes longer and feels harder.

To recharge:

• Block focused work time without distractions

• Avoid multitasking—do one thing at a time

• Start your day with clarity on your top priorities

• Create space for thinking, not just doing

“Your brain is not a browser with 30 tabs open. Close the tabs.”

d) Spiritual Energy: Purpose and Meaning

Spiritual energy doesn’t require religion—it requires relevance. This is the energy that comes from doing something that matters to you, something aligned with your values and vision.

When you’re tapped into this deeper sense of meaning, your motivation becomes intrinsic. You feel energized even during long hours or tough challenges, because what you’re doing feels worth it.

To recharge:

• Reflect regularly on your values and goals

• Align your work with what you care most about

• Serve a purpose greater than yourself

• Spend time on activities that inspire and ground you

“Purpose isn’t fluffy—it’s fuel.”

3. The Energy Audit: Spot the Drains, Find the Power

Before you can improve your energy, you need to understand it. This short audit—created by The Energy Project—helps you assess where you’re strong and where you’re being drained.

Instructions: Check each statement that currently feels true for you. Each item counts as 1 point. Then total your scores for each category.

a) Physical Energy

• ☐ Daytime rest: I consistently take regular breaks during the day to recharge

• ☐ Movement: I do cardiovascular exercise at least three times a week and strength training or weight bearing exercise twice a week

• ☐ Nutrition: I eat the appropriate quantity and quality of food to keep me energized: low in processed food and sugar

• ☐ Sleep: I consistently sleep 7-8 hours

Total: ___ / 4

b) Emotional Energy

• ☐ Emotional management: I lead from calm and positive emotions even when demands are high and I'm under stress

• ☐ Relationships: I have enough quality time with the people I love

• ☐ Appreciation: I regularly express my appreciation to others

• ☐ Enjoyment: I take time for the activities that I enjoy

Total: ___ / 4

c) Mental Energy

• ☐ Boundaries: I have clear stopping points to disengage from work in the evenings and on weekends

• ☐ Unique value: I spend enough of my time focused on work that adds long-term value rather than responding to urgent demands

• ☐ Reflection: I have enough time to step back and reflect

• ☐ One thing at a time: I focus on one thing at a time

Total: ___ / 4

d) Spiritual Energy

• ☐ Gifts: I spend enough of my time doing what I am uniquely good at

• ☐ Service: I am satisfied with how much energy I invest in serving others

• ☐ Purpose: I feel connected to a sense of meaning in work and life

• ☐ Alignment: My boundaries consistently reflect my core values

Total: ___ / 4

Overall Score: ___ / 16
(Interpret your results at the end of this blog to understand what your score means for your leadership energy.)

4. Practical Rituals to Recharge Each Energy Type

Now that you’ve taken the audit, here are some simple but effective practices to help you boost your energy in each category:

Physical

• Establish a consistent sleep-wake rhythm—even on weekends

• Schedule walking calls instead of back-to-back desk meetings

• Keep a water bottle visible and set hydration reminders

Emotional

• Use a daily gratitude practice or share appreciation aloud

• Protect time with energizing people, and limit draining interactions

• Unplug from negative media or social channels when needed

Mental

• Use “focus blocks” to work on one thing without interruption

• Begin each day with a 3-minute clarity check-in

• Batch similar tasks to minimize switching

Spiritual

• Revisit your personal values each month and ask: Am I living them?

• Volunteer or mentor in a way that feels aligned

• Journal weekly: What mattered most to me this week?

Key Takeaways

• Energy is the foundation of leadership. Without it, everything else suffers.

• Leadership isn’t just a mindset game—it’s a full-body experience. When your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual energy are aligned, you lead with more clarity, calm, and confidence.

• Managing your calendar won’t help if your energy is depleted. It’s not about doing more; it’s about showing up with more.

• There is no one-size-fits-all energy plan. The key is learning to listen to your needs and creating rituals that work for you—today.

• Tiny adjustments in sleep, focus, movement, connection, and purpose can have an exponential impact over time.
  

I challenge you: take the audit. Try just one new ritual this week. See what happens when you stop managing the clock—and start fueling your capacity to lead with clarity, calm, and conviction.

If you want to be a leader people want to follow, you have to lead yourself first. That starts with managing your energy like the precious resource it is. At The Modern Leader, we specialize in helping high-impact individuals and teams build the energy habits that sustain peak performance. Whether you’re just starting out, building momentum, or operating at the top of your game, we offer tools, coaching, and custom programs to meet you where you are.

Let’s work together to unlock your energy advantage and take your leadership to the next level.

“When energy is high, everything changes.”

What Your Score Means according to The Energy Project:

(This isn’t a judgment—it’s simply a way to get a gentle sense of where your energy currently stands, so you can make more informed and supportive choices moving forward.)

• 1–4: Running on empty – Your energy reserves are critically low. Start with the basics: sleep, hydration, and simple daily rituals to stabilize.

• 5–8: Depleted – You're functioning, but your energy is fragile. Consider one small, consistent habit in your lowest-scoring area.

• 9–12: Fading – You're holding it together, but feeling stretched. Prioritize a balance across all four dimensions.

• 13–16: Energized – You’re managing your energy well—protect it and keep refining the habits that fuel you.

How Emotions Build Powerful Relationships

In a world of information overload, fast-paced change, and increasingly remote relationships — there’s one form of intelligence that remains deeply human and wildly underutilized: emotional intelligence. Not the buzzword version, but the real kind — the capacity to feel, name, understand, and use our emotions as valuable data.

What I’ve learned over the years — both in leadership and life — is that when I ignore or override what I’m feeling, I often miss something important. A need. A boundary. A signal. A deeper truth. But when I learn to pay attention to what I feel and listen to its message, things shift. I make better decisions. I connect more honestly. And I lead with far more power and clarity.

“Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.”Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

— Carl Jung

For many years, I saw emotions as something to manage, control, or push aside — especially in professional settings. But emotional intelligence isn’t about indulging every feeling. It’s about reading the signals accurately. It’s about emotional literacy, and like any language, it can be learned.

What We’ll Cover in This Blog:

1. Why Emotions Are Powerful Data — Not Drama: Why emotions aren’t a weakness but a source of deep wisdom, and why this matters more than ever today.

2. The Power of Emotional Literacy: How having the right words for your emotions changes how you feel, lead, and connect.

3. Where Emotions Come From — And Why That Matters: A journey through how we build emotional layers over time — and how to reconnect with what’s underneath.

4. The Four Pillars of Emotional Intelligence: The core emotional skills of great leadership — and how you can begin practicing them.

5. Empathy Misses — What They Are and How to Do Better: What not to say when someone’s struggling — and simple ways to respond with real empathy.

6. Key Takeaways + A Practice You Can Try This Week: Key lessons from this post, a personal challenge to build emotional clarity, and an invitation to go deeper.

1. Why Emotions Are Powerful Data — Not Drama

Let’s get this out of the way: Emotions are not irrational. They are information. They’re the body's way of saying, “Hey — something meaningful is happening here.” Fear might be signaling danger. Sadness may point to something we value. Even anger can reveal a boundary being crossed.

When we start seeing emotions not as problems to solve but as data to trust, we unlock a deeper level of leadership and connection.

“Feelings are much like waves. We can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf.”

— Jonatan Mårtensson

In The Modern Leader, we treat emotions like intelligence — because they are. And the better we understand them, the better we understand ourselves, our teams, and the world.

2. The Power of Emotional Literacy

Brené Brown calls it emotional literacy — the ability to name what we feel. Most adults only use three words to describe their emotional state: happy, sad, mad. But we experience far more than that. Disappointment is not the same as sadness. Guilt is not the same as shame.

Without the right words, we flatten our emotional landscape and miss the richness of what’s really going on — in ourselves and in others.

“You can’t heal what you can’t name.”

— Brené Brown

Learning to expand our emotional vocabulary is like turning on the lights in a dimly lit room. Suddenly, we see with more clarity and depth. We communicate better, connect better, and lead better. We make it a practice within The Modern Leader to begin understanding 2-3 new words a week to more accurately identify and name our own emotions.

3. Where Emotions Come From — And Why That Matters

We don’t show up in life — or at work — as blank slates.

Our emotional habits were shaped early. As children, we felt raw joy, deep hurt, fear, and anger in their purest forms. But depending on how safe we felt expressing them, we learned which emotions were “welcome” and which ones needed to be hidden.

And so, over time, we built layers:

• Emotional defenses to protect ourselves

• A shield or numbness to avoid pain

• And eventually, a professional mask to fit in

This doesn’t make us fake. It makes us human.

But it also means many adults are navigating life disconnected from what they truly feel. They’re leading from the surface — while something deeper is calling out to be known.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

— Carl Rogers

The invitation isn’t to rip the shield away. It’s to turn inward and understand what’s underneath it — so that we stop reacting blindly and start responding with wisdom and intention.

Let’s bring this to life with a story. I find this helps create a picture to more easily understand how emotions develop in response to life experiences, and the purpose they serve for us.

The Story of Emma – A Journey Through Emotional Layers

As a little girl, Emma was full of wonder. She danced in the kitchen, laughed at silly jokes, and squealed with delight when playing peekaboo. Her joy was unfiltered and pure — the default setting of being alive.

One day, she drew a colorful picture for her teacher. But instead of praise, the teacher told her to stay in the lines. Emma’s excitement turned into confusion. It stung — not just the critique, but the feeling of not being seen.

Over time, Emma started to fear being judged. What if people laughed at her ideas? What if she got it wrong again? She began to hold back. Speak less. Edit herself.

But sometimes that fear boiled over. Like when classmates took credit for her work. Or when she wasn’t heard in meetings. Anger flared — but she didn’t feel safe expressing it.

So she started numbing. She became “the reliable one,” the one who always smiled. Her real feelings stayed buried. That shield kept her safe — but also distant.

By the time Emma was leading a team, she wore her “professional mask” like armor. Polished. Capable. Unshakable. But inside, she often felt disconnected — from herself, from others, and from what she really cared about.

Sound familiar?

Many of us live some version of Emma’s story.

We bury our emotions to survive. But in doing so, we also bury parts of ourselves — the parts that make us feel alive, real, and connected.

The emotions we feel each serve a purpose, to protect us or to connect us to something important. But when they remain suppressed, we typically only experience their shadow sides and rarely their upsides.

The work isn’t about removing all the layers. It’s about gently peeling them back — with curiosity and compassion — so we can lead and live more fully.

4. The Four Pillars of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and use emotions — your own and others’ — in healthy, productive ways.

It’s not about being emotional. It’s about being emotionally aware and able to navigate relationships, challenges, and communication with clarity and care.

“Emotional intelligence is the difference that makes the difference — in leadership, connection, and life.”

— adapted from Daniel Goleman

Psychologist Daniel Goleman outlines four key areas of emotional intelligence:

1. Self-Awareness – “What am I feeling right now?” This is the foundation. If you can’t notice your emotions as they arise, you can’t work with them. Self-awareness means being honest and curious about what’s going on inside of you — without needing to judge it or fix it.

2. Self-Regulation – “Can I pause before I react?” This is the ability to stay calm under pressure. To feel a strong emotion — frustration, overwhelm, anxiety — and take a breath before you snap, shut down, or lash out. It’s not about suppressing emotions; it’s about choosing your response rather than reacting automatically.

3. Empathy – “What might they be feeling?” Empathy means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes — and staying there long enough to really feel with them, not just feel bad for them. It’s about listening without judgment, being present, and letting people know they’re not alone.

4. Social Skills – “Can I connect and build trust?” This is how emotional intelligence shows up in relationships. It’s the ability to communicate clearly, listen well, resolve conflict, and build bonds. Whether in teams, families, or partnerships, social skills make relationships safe, strong, and inspiring.

These are not just “soft skills.” They’re core skills. They’re what allow people to feel seen, heard, and safe around you — and that’s when they do their best work.

“People will forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

— Maya Angelou

5. Empathy Misses — What They Are and How to Do Better

Empathy is one of the most powerful skills we can practice — but also one of the easiest to miss. Often, when someone shares something vulnerable, our response comes from good intention… but poor delivery.

Brene Brown explains “empathy misses” as when you unintentionally disconnect someone from their emotion instead of helping them feel seen in it.

🛑 Here’s what an empathy miss sounds like:

• “At least it’s not as bad as…”

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “You’re strong — you’ll get through this.”

• “Let’s focus on the positives.”

• “That happened to me too — let me tell you…”

The person feels dismissed, minimized, or even invisible.

✅ Instead, here’s what real empathy sounds like:

• “That sounds really hard.”

• “Thanks for trusting me with that.”

• “I’m so glad you shared that — I’m here.”

• “Would it help to talk more about it?”

• [Silent presence]

Empathy is not about fixing. It’s about showing up. Being with. Creating space.

“Empathy is feeling with people, not for them.”

— Brené Brown

6. Key Takeaways + A Practice You Can Try This Week:

• You need the right words to truly feel and process your emotions.

• Your emotional responses were shaped by your past — but they don’t have to control your present.

• Emotional intelligence is a superpower in leadership, connection, and decision-making.

• Empathy means holding space, not solving.

Challenge: Your Emotional Literacy Practice

For the next 3 days, try this:

1. Once a day, pause and ask: What exactly am I feeling right now?

2. Try to name the emotion with precision (use a list if it helps — from Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart or the Emotion Wheel).

3. Ask yourself: What might this emotion be trying to tell me?

Optional: Share what you notice with someone — a friend, a teammate, your journal.

“Name it to tame it.”

— Dr. Dan Siegel

At The Modern Leader, we specialize in helping individuals and teams build the emotional intelligence needed to lead with clarity, compassion, and courage. By developing emotional literacy, deepening empathy, and reconnecting with what truly matters, our leaders build powerful relationships — and unlock their full potential.

Through practical tools and real conversations, we help you transform emotions from something to manage… into something to trust. Because when you lead from emotional clarity, you lead with real freedom, consistent growth, and massive impact.

Let’s work together to turn self-doubt into self-trust — and create a version of you that others feel inspired to follow.

👉 Reach out today and let’s create a plan to help you become a more emotionally intelligent, connected, and powerful leader.

Fuel Your Body to Fuel Your Life

Why Energy is the Foundation of Leadership

In today’s coaching and leadership development landscape, much of the focus revolves around mindset, relationships, and personal growth. While these are undoubtedly critical elements, there’s one foundational aspect that often gets overlooked: energy. Without energy, even the most powerful strategies, the best intentions, and the most inspiring goals fall flat. In a world where leaders are constantly expected to perform at their peak, understanding how to fuel your body to fuel your life is a game-changer.

At The Modern Leader, we emphasize the importance of energy management as a core pillar of leadership. Energy comes in many forms -- mental, emotional, spiritual -- and in this article we focus on a fourth dimension that is perhaps most forgotten in the corporate space: physical. Through expert insights and practical strategies, we help leaders develop the habits necessary to sustain high performance and well-being. Whether you’re a seasoned athlete or just starting on your wellness journey, this discussion will help you identify what’s missing and how to take the next step in optimizing your energy levels so that you have them when you need them at work.

Let's dive in as we explore why energy is the foundation of leadership, the costs of neglecting it, and the practical strategies you can use to maintain peak performance.

What You’ll Discover in This Blog...

1. Why does neglecting your health cost you more than you realize?

2. Where should you begin your physical journey? Understanding the three fitness personas.

3. What are the three essential habits for boundless physical energy?

4. How does nutrition impact leadership—are you proactive or reactive?

5. What practical strategies can you implement today for lasting change?

6. How can you maintain energy levels to enhance your leadership effectiveness?

1. The Cost of Ignoring Your Health

The modern leader is often caught up in the hustle, placing work, meetings, and deadlines above personal well-being. But at what cost? Neglecting health leads to a ripple effect: low energy, fatigue, reduced focus, and ultimately, burnout. Leaders with poor health habits often find themselves reacting to problems rather than proactively leading. If you are constantly reaching for caffeine or sugar just to get through the day, that is a sign that your body is running on empty. The reality is, when energy levels crash, productivity drops, relationships suffer, and overall effectiveness declines.

By making health a priority, leaders can create a sustainable foundation for long-term success. The ability to bring enthusiasm, clarity, and focus to every interaction begins with how well you take care of your body.

“Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”

— Jim Rohn

2. The Three Fitness Personas

The Kickstarter: Building the Foundation for Energy and Vitality

For those who struggle to maintain any form of healthy routine, the Kickstarter is the place to begin. If you are constantly exhausted, barely moving, and grabbing quick unhealthy meals, it’s time to reset. The key is not to overhaul everything at once but to establish a few essential habits—like hydration, movement, and sleep—that create a foundation for sustainable change.

The Accelerator: Moving from Good to Great

The Accelerator is someone who has already incorporated healthy habits but hasn’t yet reached full consistency. Maybe they work out a few times a week but struggle with sleep quality. Perhaps they eat well but lack hydration. Accelerators need to focus on tightening the gaps in their routine, ensuring that good habits become non-negotiables, and avoiding the common pitfall of slipping back into old habits due to work pressures.

The Peak Performer: Maintaining and Maximizing Well-Being

Peak Performers already have a strong foundation in health and well-being. They engage in consistent fitness routines, practice mindful nutrition, and prioritize recovery. However, they are always looking for that extra edge. For them, optimizing performance means fine-tuning routines, experimenting with new recovery techniques, and ensuring they’re sustaining long-term energy without burning out.

“Small daily improvements are the key to staggering long-term results.”

— Robin Sharma

3. The Three Non-Negotiables for Energy

1. Movement: How 30 Minutes a Day Can Transform Your Health

Movement is not just about hitting the gym; it’s about creating a habit of consistent physical activity. Whether it’s a brisk walk, yoga, or strength training, movement is the catalyst for increased energy and mental clarity. Sitting for prolonged hours depletes our energy levels and creates stagnation, both physically and mentally. Leaders who integrate movement into their daily lives find themselves more focused, less stressed, and significantly more productive.

2. Hydration: The Overlooked Key to Mental Clarity

Dehydration is one of the most common but underestimated issues among leaders. Fatigue, brain fog, and irritability often stem from inadequate hydration. Carrying a high-quality water bottle and setting hydration reminders can make all the difference. Adding a pinch of salt to water enhances absorption, ensuring that hydration efforts actually benefit the body rather than just passing through.

3. Sleep Hygiene: Creating a Nighttime Routine for True Recovery

Many high performers sacrifice sleep in the name of productivity, but science shows that quality sleep directly impacts cognitive function, decision-making, and overall well-being. Developing a bedtime routine, eliminating screens an hour before bed, and prioritizing relaxation techniques can significantly improve sleep quality. Treat your nighttime routine with the same importance as a high-stakes meeting—because, in reality, it is.

“Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep.”

— Mesut Barazany

4. Proactive vs. Reactive Leadership Through Nutrition

A leader who constantly reacts to their environment—grabbing quick meals, skipping breakfast, or relying on energy drinks—is a leader operating on borrowed energy. Reactive leadership extends beyond work decisions; it shows up in health habits. Imagine that your fitness and nutrition were a reflection of the kind of leadership behaviors you aspire towards. Proactive leaders prepare their meals, ensure they are getting balanced nutrition, and create environments that support their success.

By establishing a meal-planning habit, incorporating whole foods, and minimizing sugar spikes, leaders can sustain high performance throughout the day without the energy crashes that come from poor nutrition choices.

5. Practical Strategies for Implementing Change

Creating sustainable habits does not mean making drastic changes overnight. Start small:

• Begin with a daily 30-minute movement session, even if it’s just a walk.

• Carry a water bottle and set hydration goals.

• Establish a sleep routine that signals your body to wind down.

• Prepare healthy snacks and meals ahead of time to avoid impulsive, unhealthy choices.

• Be mindful of your energy levels throughout the day and adjust habits accordingly.

Consistency is key. Leadership isn’t just about inspiring others—it’s about embodying the habits that create long-term impact.

Key Takeaways

• Energy is the foundation of leadership. Without it, everything else crumbles.

• Leadership isn’t just about mindset; it’s about physical well-being too.

• Your relationship with food and fitness reflects your leadership approach—proactive leaders fuel themselves with intention.

• There is no one-size-fits-all solution. The key is meeting yourself where you are today.

• Small, consistent changes in movement, hydration, and sleep can have a profound impact on performance and longevity.

If you want to be a leader worth following, you must take care of yourself first. The way you fuel your body dictates how you show up, not just for yourself but for your team and those around you.

At The Modern Leader, we specialize in helping individuals and teams develop high-energy habits that sustain long-term success. When working on helping our leaders access boundless energy, we provide them with practical tools and proven methods, to build resilience, optimize nutrition, and create fitness routines that enhance performance. Each of these programs are customised for the level they are at, whether it's kickstarter, accelerator or peak performer.

Let’s work together to optimize your energy and unlock your full leadership potential. Reach out today and start building the habits that will fuel your success.

How To Take Back Control of Your Perfection

“You Are Not Perfect — And That’s the Point”

In today’s hyper-competitive, fast-paced business world, the pursuit of perfection often feels like the key to success. It’s easy to believe that flawless presentations, impeccable deadlines, and error-free execution are the only paths to achievement. After all, success seems to demand nothing less than your absolute best.

But here’s the truth: perfectionism often hinders more than it helps. Imagine a leader who prioritizes resilience over faultless execution. Consider the power of a team that celebrates lessons learned from mistakes instead of fearing them. This shift—from the relentless pursuit of perfection to embracing imperfection as a tool for progress—isn’t just a better way to work; it’s a transformational mindset that can redefine how we lead, connect, and grow.

In this blog, we’ll explore why perfectionism is an illusion, the costs it imposes on us, and how we can move toward a healthier, more sustainable approach to success.

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What You’ll Discover in This Blog

Why perfectionism is an illusion, including how it stems from fear and judgment.

1. The hidden costs of perfectionism, such as emotional, behavioral, physical, and productivity-related impacts.

2. The perfectionist cycle of shame, why it keeps us stuck, and how to break free.

3. The power of embracing imperfection, focusing on redefining success, separating worth from achievements, and taking risks.

4. The difference between fixed and growth mindsets, how perfectionism can creep into both, and why a growth mindset fosters resilience and innovation.

5. 3 Practical tools to shift your approach and take imperfect action.

6. How imperfection fosters creativity, connection, and authenticity, unlocking deeper relationships and personal growth.

7. How imperfection fosters creativity, connection, and authenticity, unlocking deeper relationships and personal growth.

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1.The Illusion of Perfection

Perfectionism is often mistaken for the pursuit of excellence. On the surface, it can seem like a noble quality—pushing us to aim higher, work harder, and achieve more. But perfectionism isn’t about self-improvement; it’s about fear.

At its core, perfectionism is a defense mechanism. It’s a shield we use to protect ourselves from criticism, failure, and judgment. We strive to be flawless, believing that perfection will earn us approval, acceptance, and admiration.

“Yet, as Brené Brown so eloquently states, “Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about earning approval and acceptance.”

The reality is that perfection is an impossible standard. It’s a mirage that keeps us chasing something unattainable, leaving us feeling inadequate no matter how much we accomplish. Rather than driving success, perfectionism builds barriers. It prevents us from taking risks, limits our creativity, and isolates us from genuine connections.

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2.The Costs of Perfectionism

Perfectionism carries a hidden price tag. While it might initially seem like a motivator, it often causes more harm than good.

Emotional Costs

When perfectionism takes the reins, shame and fear are never far behind. The constant fear of making mistakes creates a state of chronic stress and anxiety. Even small errors can feel catastrophic, leading to feelings of inadequacy and failure.

Behavioral Costs

Perfectionism often manifests as procrastination and paralysis. The fear of not being “good enough” can make starting—or completing—tasks feel overwhelming. Instead of taking action, we delay, overanalyze, or avoid altogether.

Physical and Mental Health Costs

Research has shown that perfectionism is linked to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and burnout. The constant pressure to perform perfectly can erode our mental and physical health, leading to fatigue, insomnia, and chronic stress.

Productivity Costs

Ironically, perfectionism can make us less productive. Instead of finishing tasks efficiently, we spend excessive time tweaking, revising, and second-guessing our work. This obsession with “perfect” results leads to diminishing returns, robbing us of time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

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3.Breaking the Vicious Cycle of Shame

The perfectionist cycle often looks like this:

1. We set impossibly high standards for ourselves.

2. We inevitably fall short of those standards.

3. We experience feelings of shame, inadequacy, and failure.

4. To compensate, we double down on our perfectionist tendencies, setting even higher standards.

This cycle not only drains our energy but also reinforces the very insecurities we’re trying to overcome.

How to Break Free

Recognizing this pattern is the first step. Once we’re aware of the cycle, we can begin to challenge and change the thoughts and behaviors that perpetuate it. That's the first step. Keeping reading below for what comes after that.

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4. Embracing Imperfection

The antidote to perfectionism isn’t “settling” or “lowering your standards.” Instead, it’s about reframing imperfection as a natural and valuable part of growth.

1. Redefine Success

Success isn’t about achieving flawless results—it’s about learning, growing, and building resilience. Shift your focus to the process, not the outcome. Celebrate progress, no matter how small, and view setbacks as opportunities to learn.

2. Separate Your Worth from Your Achievements

You are more than your accomplishments. Your value as a person doesn’t depend on your performance. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your efforts, even when the results aren’t perfect.

3. Take Risks and Accept Mistakes

Growth happens outside your comfort zone. Mistakes aren’t failures—they’re stepping stones on the path to improvement. Every misstep is a chance to learn something new. That feeling of fear you feel when you do something new isn't a sign to stop. It's an indication that you are stretching into where the real learning happens.

4. Focus on Connection, Not Approval

Perfectionism often stems from a desire to control how others see us. Shift your focus to building authentic relationships. Vulnerability invites connection, allowing others to see and accept you as you are.

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5. Fixed vs. Growth Mindset

A fixed mindset is anchored in the belief that abilities are static—you’re either good at something or you’re not. Perfectionism thrives in this mindset because mistakes are seen as evidence of personal failure: "I am not worthy because I can't do this."

A growth mindset, on the other hand, views challenges as opportunities. It embraces mistakes as part of the learning process and sees failure as a stepping stone to growth. The challenge here is that perfectionism can fuel someone with a growth mindset to set unrealistic goals in the pursuit of showing that they can do anything. The shame cycle kicks in when those goals aren't met. Perfectionists with a growth mindset feel they've revealed that they can't do everything and that activates their fears of shame, blame and judgement.

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Why It Matters

Shifting to a growth mindset allows us to embrace imperfection with curiosity and openness, but only if we can catch and prevent the sneaky ways that our perfectionism tries to get us to do more and more. If we embrace imperfection however, It frees us from the fear of failure, enabling us to take risks, innovate, and grow.

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6. Three Tools to Break Free: OBSERVE, REFRAME, PRACTICE

Here’s a simple framework to help you embrace imperfection:

1. OBSERVE: Notice your perfectionist tendencies. Are you setting unrealistic expectations or avoiding tasks out of fear? Identify your typical voice of perfection. What does it sound like and what does it say? Typical examples sound like "This needs to be perfect", "Failure is not an option", or "If I mess this up people will think I'm not capable."

2. REFRAME: Challenge perfectionist thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is this standard realistic? What’s the worst that could happen if it’s not perfect?” Use this as an opportunity to reframe those perfectionist thoughts: "Failure is fine as long as I learn from it", "It is normal to make mistakes when trying something new", and "This task doesn't need perfection: 80% good enough is fine" are all great reframe options.

3. PRACTICE: This is the hardest but most important of the 3 tools. Take small, imperfect actions. Show up authentically and allow yourself to make mistakes. This allows you to start building new muscles of tolerance and acceptance of imperfection. Choose a few new activities/hobbies/skills that you take on with the explicit purpose of embracing imperfection. Come up with a plan for how you will handle obstacles, your inner critic and setbacks. These "microtrys" are your playground for rewiring your relationship with perfection. Once you strengthen your capacity to hold imperfection, you can start practicing with higher stakes tasks and situations.

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7. The Power of Imperfection

The research shows that when we let go of the need to be perfect, we unlock new possibilities in both individuals and teams:

- Creativity flourishes because we’re no longer afraid of failure.

- Innovation thrives because we’re willing to take risks and experiment.

- Authentic connections deepen because we allow ourselves—and others—to be human.

Embracing imperfection isn’t just a strategy for personal growth; it’s a way to build resilience, foster connection, and lead with authenticity.

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Key Takeaways

- Perfectionism isn’t self-improvement—it’s about avoiding judgment and fear.

- Embracing imperfection promotes creativity, resilience, and connection.

- Tools like OBSERVE, REFRAME, and PRACTICE can help overcome perfectionist tendencies.

- A growth mindset reframes challenges as opportunities to learn and grow.

At The Modern Leader, we specialize in helping individuals and teams embrace imperfection, develop resilience, and unlock their potential. This enables them to lead with massive impact, consistent growth and real freedom. Through practical tools and proven methods, we guide leaders to build growth mindsets, create authentic connections, and leverage imperfection as a strength.

Let’s work together to turn your challenges into opportunities. Reach out today and let's come up with a plan for how to help you become someone worth following.

How to Become a Change-Leading Ninja: Drive emotions to drive change

Change is inevitable, whether in life, work, or leadership. It often arrives unannounced, disrupting carefully laid plans and challenging our sense of control. Yet, for those who master the art of navigating change, these moments can become gateways to growth, innovation, and meaningful impact.

Leadership in times of change demands more than the ability to manage a process—it calls for the ability to connect, inspire, and empower. The most effective leaders transform challenges into opportunities and uncertainty into alignment. These are the Change-Leading Ninjas, leaders who thrive in the face of change and bring others along with them.

In this blog, we’ll explore how to develop the skills and mindset of a Change-Leading Ninja. I’ll share with you some of the best strategies I’ve come across for navigating resistance, managing emotions, and inspiring others to embrace transformation with confidence and clarity. By the end of this piece, you’ll have a clear understanding for how powerful it is to drive emotions to drive change.

CEO’s, founders and leaders I work with have shared how massively this has helped them sort through, better understand, and lead others through change. These tools make up a foundational piece of content for the leaders I train in The Modern Leader program.

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Here’s what you’ll discover in this blog:

1. Why is leading change a critical skill for today’s leaders?

2. How can you master emotions to guide your team through transformation?

3. What strategies help transform resistance into collaboration?

4. How does identifying people’s emotional reactions to change provide clarity during change?

5. What mindset shifts make you a leader worth following during transformation?

6. Three key takeaways for leading change with confidence.

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1.Why Leading Change is the Ultimate Leadership Skill

In today’s world, change is the only constant. We’ve all heard this a million times, but still so many of the leaders I work with are unprepared when big changes hit them for the first time. Businesses evolve, markets shift, and personal lives face unexpected twists and turns. As a leader, your ability to respond to these shifts doesn’t just impact your results; it defines your legacy.

“ Leadership isn’t about managing change; it’s about inspiring people to   embrace it.”

Effective leaders don’t resist change—they embrace it. They see it as an opportunity to align teams, introduce innovation, and foster a culture of resilience. However, leading change isn’t about imposing a plan or simply managing tasks. It’s about inspiring trust and showing others the path forward when the future feels uncertain.

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2. Mastering Emotions: The Leader’s Compass

Change doesn’t just affect processes or structures; it impacts people on a deeply emotional level. Fear, doubt, and resistance are natural responses to the unknown. As a leader, your role is to manage your own emotional responses while guiding others through theirs.

“ Empathy is the bridge between resistance and trust.”

Rather than dismissing emotions as obstacles or annoyances, embrace them as signals. They reveal the deeper concerns, fears, and hopes of your team. A Change-Leading Ninja recognizes that leading with empathy builds trust and creates space for open dialogue. This doesn’t mean avoiding tough conversations or challenges—it means approaching them with a steady hand and a compassionate heart.

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3. Navigating Resistance: From Pushback to Partnership

Resistance to change is universal, but it doesn’t have to be a roadblock. In fact, resistance often holds the key to deeper understanding. When people resist, they’re usually protecting something they value, whether it’s stability, clarity, or control, as examples.

“ Resistance is not the enemy; it’s an invitation to listen.”

As a Change-Leading Ninja, your job is to listen with curiosity. Instead of viewing resistance as an obstacle, see it as a doorway to collaboration. Ask questions to uncover what’s driving the pushback. Once you understand the root cause (emotions and thoughts), you can address concerns, align goals, and turn resistance into a powerful force for progress.

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4. The Kübler-Ross Change Curve: Your Emotions Toolkit

The Kübler-Ross Change Curve provides a powerful framework for understanding how individuals emotionally process change. Based on research tracking the emotional response to grief, this model is a powerful demonstration of the emotional range we experience when something we are at risk of losing something we value. From denial and frustration to acceptance and action, the curve outlines the emotional journey people undergo during the process of shock toward acceptance and transformation. Accurately understanding people’s emotions provides you with the necessary keys to help move them along that journey.

“Meet people where they are, not where you want them to be.”

As a leader, recognizing where your team members—and even yourself—are on this curve allows you to tailor your approach. For example, those in denial need clarity and reassurance, while those in experimentation need encouragement and focus.

This framework isn’t just theoretical—it’s a practical tool for fostering alignment and progress.

 I often use this tool with teams and individuals by asking them to place themselves on the curve in response to a change they are currently undergoing. This allows them to start understanding their current emotional state, but also see it as part of a continuum and journey. Whether done 1:1 or with groups, this awareness leads to conversations about the real impact of change, and what is needed to move towards the next stage. It allows people to draw on past experiences and use those insights to access new internal and external resources. I find that when I use this with my clients they are incredibly resourceful at being to identify what they would need to move to the next stage of the model. Most importantly, seeing their reactions to change as a journey leaves them hopeful that they will not remain stuck forever

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5. Mindset Shifts: Becoming a Leader Worth Following

True leadership during change requires a shift in mindset. It’s not about controlling the process or avoiding discomfort. It’s about stepping into uncertainty with courage and creating a sense of purpose and direction for others.

“People don’t follow plans; they follow leaders who inspire trust.”

To be a Change-Leading Ninja, real impact comes through prioritizing self-awareness, resilience, and a commitment to continuous learning. Leaning in—rather than shying away—from conversations about emotions will allow for you and others to access and benefit from the wisdom these emotions hold. These skills not only strengthen your ability to navigate change but also inspire others to do the same. Plan to become as emotionally literate as you can with your own emotions and those of others, and you will encounter conversations and insights that are as powerful as they are touching.

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6.     Key Takeaways for Leading Change

 Here’s my bottom line of what to remember as you embark on your journey as a Change-Leading Ninja and learn how to drive emotions to drive change:

1. Build Trust: People embrace change when they trust the leader guiding them.

2. Master Emotions: Lead with empathy and respond to resistance with curiosity.

3. Stay Flexible: Use tools like the Kübler-Ross Change Curve to adapt your approach and lead honest conversations about the impact and requirements for moving through change.

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After reading this article, are you curious about what additional tools and methods you can use to navigate change once you’ve helped people identify the emotions they’re experiencing? At The Modern Leader we work with leaders to increase their and their team’s resilience to change through concrete tools and practices. The program also enables leaders to assess the stakeholder complexity of change as well as identify a roadmap for how to lead change initiatives for individuals, teams and entire organizations.

Let’s talk about the change challenges you are facing and empower you to become someone worth following!

Don't Wait Until You're Sick to Start Working on Your Mindset

I remember the blank look on my doctor's face when he asked me, "So what's bothering you?" and I answered, "Oh, everything is fine, I'm here to just make sure I continue being healthy." His surprise, while understandable, also saddened me. I was hoping he'd be more encouraging of me proactively coming in for a check-up while I was still feeling good. Instead, I felt nearly reprimanded when he told me that unless I had a symptom or some kind of discomfort, there wasn't much he could do for me.

This left me wondering not only about what preventative medicine for the body looks like but also for the mind.

• “What if we would work on our mental resilience before we experience depression, burnout, or mid-life crises?”

• “What if employers recommended their employees to see a coach before they noticed them unable to handle the pressure they are under?” or

• “What if couples sought out a therapist when things were still feeling strong and secure in the relationship, instead of waiting until things are already falling apart?”

Surely, prevention must be a more fortuitous route to staying healthy than waiting until life has taken a toll on us and only then starting to search for a cure.

When it comes to sickness, prevention is better than cure. This principle applies to both our physical well-being and mental health. It seems obvious written down, but actually, living by this wisdom is a whole other game. 

We know we should maintain a healthy lifestyle to prevent illnesses, but it’s hard to have the discipline, focus, and knowledge to sustainably do it. Of equal, if not greater importance, is working on our mindsets when we are healthy rather than waiting until we're in the thick of challenges and in over our heads to start doing so.

The mental strength required to persevere and find balance when you get knocked down by challenges is called resilience. And to only start working on developing resilience when you are knocked down—well, that's just about the hardest scenario I can imagine working through.

This blog will help you explore the benefits of cultivating resilience, self-awareness, and other essential mental skills before life becomes a muddy mess, leaving you better prepared to handle tough situations with grace and strength.

The Importance of a Proactive Approach

Why mental preparation matters

Mental preparation is a crucial aspect of navigating life's challenges and maintaining overall mental well-being. By proactively working on our mindset and mental skills, we equip ourselves with the necessary tools and strategies to handle stress, make sound decisions, and bounce back from setbacks. 

Mental preparation enables us to face adversity with confidence, adaptability, and a sense of balance. This proactive approach to mental health allows us to better understand ourselves, improve our relationships, and ultimately lead a more fulfilling life.

What are the consequences of neglecting our mental well-being?

When we neglect our mental well-being, we leave ourselves vulnerable to a range of negative consequences. These may include:

• Increased stress and anxiety: A lack of mental preparedness can make it difficult to manage stress effectively, leading to heightened anxiety levels.

• Poor decision-making: Without the skills to stay balanced when under stress and pressure, our ability to make informed decisions can be hindered, resulting in unfavorable outcomes for us and potentially others in our lives as well.

• Reduced bounce-back: Neglecting our mental well-being can weaken our ability to stand back up when faced with adversity, making it harder to recover and thrive.

• Strained relationships: A lack of self-awareness and emotional intelligence can lead to communication difficulties and conflicts in our personal and professional relationships.

• Lower life satisfaction: As our mental well-being suffers, we may experience a decline in overall happiness and satisfaction.

The power of a proactive mindset

Embracing the idea that prevention is better than cure allows for a proactive mindset, which empowers us to take control of our mental health and personal growth. By actively nurturing mental skills such as resilience, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence, we build a strong foundation that enables us to effectively face life's ups and downs. 

The power of a proactive mindset lies in its ability to transform our outlook on life, allowing us to embrace challenges as opportunities for growth and learning. Moreover, it fosters a sense of personal responsibility for our mental well-being, motivating us to make the necessary investments in ourselves to ensure long-term mental health and happiness.

Building Resilience When You're Healthy

First, let's define what resilience is: it's the ability to adapt and recover from stress or adversity. It involves maintaining a sense of balance, effectively navigating through difficult situations, and bouncing back from setbacks. 

Resilience isn't an innate quality but rather a skill that anyone can develop and hone over time. By building resilience when you're healthy, you prepare yourself to face life's challenges with greater ease and confidence. 

It's incredibly hard to do this when you are down. The easiest example I can compare to is imagining going to the gym when you are sick. It's just impossible. And not good for you. The same applies to working on resilience when you are feeling low, exhausted, or have lost your motivation.

What are the benefits of working on mental skills when you're healthy?

Focusing on mental skills while you're healthy has numerous advantages. When life is more stable, we have the time, energy, and clarity of thought to engage in self-improvement activities. By investing in our mental well-being during these times, we build a strong foundation that allows us to face life's challenges with confidence and skilfulness. 

Some benefits of using phases when you are health to work on mental skills include:

• Enhanced mental clarity: The ability to bounce back from adversity and maintain a sense of balance during tough times.

• Improved emotional intelligence: Understanding and managing emotions effectively, leading to better relationships and decision-making.

• Increased self-awareness: Recognizing personal strengths and weaknesses, allowing for more informed decisions and personal growth.

• Better stress management: Developing effective coping strategies that can be employed during challenging situations.

• Greater overall well-being: A strong mindset contributes to a happier, more fulfilling life.

Strategies to Cultivate Resilience During Times of Stability

To build resilience during times of stability, it's essential to engage in activities and practices that contribute to our mental well-being. Some strategies to cultivate resilience include:

A. Self-awareness

It all starts and ends with developing an understanding of what stresses you and the impact that it has on you. Difficult situations affect each of us in different ways, so unpacking the specific effect that triggers have on you is the starting point.

This includes knowing where the line is between stress that motivates you versus stress that overwhelms you (see blog on good zone versus terror zone stress), as well as specifically understanding how stress impacts you when it does get into that overwhelming stage (see blog on signs and symptoms of stress and how to manage it). 

B. Mental clarity

The key here is to be able to identify your thoughts and learn the techniques for shifting your perspective when the focus of your attention is currently not helpful. This is unbelievably hard to do when we are in the midst of a difficult situation where, while a mindset shift is needed, being able to think of one and actually embrace it feels next to impossible.

Sometimes called reframing and rooted in the idea of a Growth Mindset, the technique here is to use helpful prompts that allow you to see the situation you are in through a different lens. This often results in a realisation that things might not be as bad as they seem.

We also discover that we have options we previously didn't consider, and we increase our understanding and empathy towards the role that we and others have in creating the current situation. 

Some of my favorite perspective-shifting prompts include:

1. How am I likely to view this situation in 5 hours/days/months?

2. If my best friend was in this situation or telling me about it, how would I advise them?

3. If this situation was meant to teach me something, what would that be?

I also find drawing on personal and true positive affirmations to be a powerful way to shift perspectives. You need to find ones that authentically resonate for you, but once you do, they can sound something like:

1. I am capable and competent, and I can handle this situation with ease.

2. I am worthy of love and respect, and I will not let this situation define me.

3. I trust my intuition and inner wisdom to guide me through this challenging time.

C. Develop a strong support network

Foster relationships with friends, loved ones, and colleagues who can provide you with emotional support and encouragement during challenging times. Particularly, take a moment to reflect on the types of support you have and notice who comes to mind for each of the following situations:

• Emotional support: Someone to lean on when you had a difficult day and want to just unload all your emotions to an open and understanding ear.

• Acts of service: Someone who can help you out with practical tasks when you are in need, like moving apartments or being picked up from the airport. 

• Mentoring and advice: Someone who can share with you their life experiences as a way of mentoring and developing your skillfulness when making choices.

• Confidence-boosting: Someone who can pep you up when you are down with reminders of the greatness they see in you.

You may find that you have one friend who is skilled at offering support in 3 or even 4 of the above situations. More commonly, however, you'll find that some friends and contacts are particularly skilled at 1 of the above scenarios while others are better at a different one. 

Having the right people to reach out to, and knowing when to reach out to whom, is a key component of resilience. There's nothing worse than reaching out to someone because you just want to unload your frustration about something, and the person who you reached out to spends the entire time talking and advising you rather than just listening. 

There are other important components of building resilience, including taking care of your physical, nutritional, and recovery needs in a healthy and sustainable way. It's also important to have strategies for emotional regulation that allow you to approach stress from calm and grounded emotions rather than highly reactive and wired ones.

Knowing your purpose and your "Personal Why" helps with continuing to endure difficult personal or professional challenges and generating energy to keep going. 

You can find out more about these elements as well as the other ones above, in my masterclass on "How to Handle Stress Before It Happens" (stay tuned for information about its release). 

Examples of Resilience in Everyday Life

Since prevention is better than cure, try to find daily opportunities where you can practice strengthening your resilience muscle before you need to use it for real. The key is to do the work in advance so that you can gain confidence and sharpen your toolkit for the bigger avalanches that then come your way. Journaling, conversations with friends, reading books, podcasts, and taking time for regular reflection are all ways to do this.

As you develop those tools, you may even find that you look forward to then applying them and seeing how balanced you can stay when you face harder situations such as: 

• Overcoming a setback at work: When you face a work-related challenge, whether a new project or some feedback from a colleague, with resilience you are able to assess the situation, identify solutions, and push through it despite the obstacles.

• Adapting to a major life change: Whether it's a job loss, relocation, or the end of a relationship, your resilience toolkit helps you navigate these changes with adaptability and a more positive outlook.

• Recovering from a failed relationship: You’re able to process the emotions associated with a breakup, learn from the experience, and move forward with your life.

• Coping with or adjusting to the loss of a loved one: Although grief can be overwhelming, resilience allows you to gradually heal and find ways to honor cherished memories of your loved one while moving forward.

Final Thoughts

When it comes to your mindset, prevention is better than cure. By actively working on your mental well-being when you're healthy, you're setting the stage for long-term success and resilience. Having a proactive mindset helps you navigate life's challenges more effectively and contributes to a higher quality of life overall.

With that in mind, remember that mental well-being is a lifelong journey, so be patient with yourself as you learn and grow. Since reaching a state of mental health perfection is neither realistic nor helpful, shift your expectations and instead celebrate your process and progress as you continue to build resilience, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence.

Don't wait for life to become (even more) challenging before focusing on your mental well-being. Prevention is better than cure. Take the first step by implementing the strategies I've outlined above. Invest in your mental health now, and you'll have a greater ability to handle whatever life throws your way, both today and in the future.

References:

Aventis Learning Group - What Is Proactive Thinking? How to Be Proactive? - https://aventislearning.com/proactive-thinking/

American Psychological Association - Resilience - https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience#

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The Secret Tips and Truths Behind Deep Listening and Meaningful Connection

Listening, despite being something we do every day, can be one of the most underestimated and underutilized tools we have at our disposal. Deep listening, which takes the concept of merely hearing sounds to a much more profound level, isn't just about tuning into the words being said. It's about immersing oneself in the whole communication and meaning-making process.

In this blog, we’ll explore the realm of deep listening and uncover the incredible power behind this transformative skill. Deep listening is key to building connections. By the end of reading this, you'll understand 6 key skills you need to completely transform not just your listening but also your relationships and conversations with everyone around you.

1. Listening to Self and Others When We Have Conversations

To understand how deep listening is key to building connections, we have to first embark on a journey of self-awareness. What blocks us from being able to listen to others is an inability to turn off the internal chatter and distractions taking place in our own minds.

Often, this inner self-talk is so loud that when in conversations with others, while we may think we are listening to what others are saying, what we are actually paying attention to is our own interpretation of what others are saying.

Here’s an example: Imagine being part of a heated discussion. As you listen to your counterpart speaking, you are most likely already preparing your counterargument, thinking about how you will poke holes in what they are saying and perhaps even win the conversation. You are making judgements about the intentions, beliefs and values of the other person. All the while, your heartbeat accelerates—a clear indication of stress or anxiety—and you feel yourself getting emotional. As your inner state gets more agitated, you hear less and less of what the other person is actually saying and devote the majority of your attention to all the inner thoughts, defense reactions, and protection patterns that are surfacing. Sound familiar?

While this is completely normal, loyalty to this inner self-talk does little in deepening our connection with others.

Now, if you’re deeply attuned to yourself, you acknowledge this physiological and psychological change happening within yourself, and instead of reacting impulsively, you take a moment to regain your calm before responding. This level of self-awareness not only enhances your communication but also cultivates emotional intelligence. You understand the impact the conversation is having on your ability to listen and find ways to suspend all the inner voices screaming in your own head so that you can actually hear what the other person is saying.

However, if you're not aware of all these additional conversations happening while you are speaking with another person, then those voices are having control over you and what you actually listen to. And that's why self-awareness is such a foundational building block for deep listening. Without it, there might very well not be any listening or connection happening at all.

2. Learning How to Suspend Judgments and Inner Thinking

Deep listening is key to building connections. However, it's totally normal to form judgments and assumptions when we are listening to others that actually (and sometimes unintentionally) create disconect and distance. Our brain is primed for survival, and a key component of this is finding shortcuts to understanding complex situations and determining what they mean for us. But when it comes to deep listening, it's crucial to suspend those judgments, as they often lead to misunderstandings and disconnection.

Consider a coworker who’s always late to meetings. You might jump to judge them as unprofessional or irresponsible. But if we suspend that judgment and listen to understand their situation, we might discover they're dealing with a personal crisis or a demanding project that's causing their tardiness.

This new understanding can lead to empathy, flexibility, and finding a solution that helps both you and them. When we rely on our judgments, however, we are blocked from our natural curiosity to find out more. Suspending judgments is a direct path to increasing curiosity, and curiosity is one of the key ingredients to deep listening.

3. Listening for Emotion, Not Only Content

Often, the richest parts of a conversation lie beneath the surface of spoken words. Since deep listening is key to building connections, we need to learn to recognize and understand emotional undertones if we want to actually do it.

For example, the person who always deflects personal questions with a joke or the friend who consistently brags about their achievements may be conveying feelings of insecurity or a need for validation. Tuning into these emotions can allow us to respond in more supportive and empathetic ways.

Interestingly, research has shown that contrary to popular belief, "reading" facial cues to determine the emotional states of others may not always be a reliable source of information. We often pay too much attention to people's faces (using our eyes) rather than the much more reliable information provided by listening to how people are using their voices. This, however, requires really training our ears to pick up on the subtle differences in people's vocalisations and what they might reveal about their emotions.

4. Listening to Understand, Not to Fix or Find Solutions

Our natural instinct is often to offer advice or try to fix things when someone shares a problem. While well-intentioned, this might not always be what the other person needs. Deep listening is key to building connections. Sometimes, the kind of connection people are looking for is simply to be heard and understood.

Take, for example, your friend who vents about a difficult boss. They may not need advice on how to deal with their boss. Rather, they might just want a safe space to express their frustration. By listening to understand rather than fix, you offer that valuable space.

Practice only asking questions that allow the speaker to further explain and explore their situation, rather than asking questions that are too focused on closing the conversation down or getting to a specific point.

5. Understanding What the Other Person Needs in a Conversation

Each conversation we engage in is unique and requires a different approach. Someone sharing a creative idea might need encouragement and a soundboard to bounce off thoughts. In contrast, a person expressing grief might need silent solidarity. By understanding and respecting these needs, we can listen in a way that’s genuinely helpful and empowering.

If you're not sure what someone needs in a conversation, stop trying to guess. Just ask the other person a question like, "What do you need from me right now in this conversation?" and let the other person indicate how they'd like you to best show up while listening.

6. Recognizing the Power and Pitfalls of Manipulative Listening

Lastly, it's important to acknowledge that listening, like any tool, can be misused. Manipulative listening occurs when one feigns interest or twists information for personal gain. It's a breach of trust and can severely damage relationships.

The types of questions you ask, when you choose to show excitement and interest, and even your facial expressions and head nodding all have the ability to steer what someone talks about in one direction or another. Being aware of this can allow you to be more mindful of the way in which your listening impacts what someone else decides to share.

Deep listening, on the other hand, is grounded in respect and sincerity. Deep listening is key to building connections. So recognizing the difference between manipulative and deep listening is key to maintaining healthy, honest communication.

At its core, deep listening is a form of respect. Perhaps the greatest gift we can give someone else is our full presence and attention. It's so rare these days to get that from someone else, and that's exactly what makes it so special. It's about valuing the other person's perspective, emotions, and needs. It's also about fostering a safe space for authenticity and open dialogue. And while deep listening is a powerful tool, it's also a responsibility, one that brings to life your integrity and kindness.

Final Thoughts

Practicing deep listening can transform our conversations, relationships, and even our understanding of ourselves. It's a skill that definitely takes time and patience to develop, but the benefits are immeasurable.

Whether in our personal lives or professional settings, deep listening enables us to connect with others on a meaningful level, foster a sense of belonging, and create an environment of mutual respect and understanding.

Let's listen not just with our ears but also with our hearts and minds. To not just hear but to truly understand. And in doing so, may we build stronger, more compassionate relationships with all those around us to whom we offer the gift of our deep listening.

References:

Civico, A. (2014, April 21). How Self-Awareness Leads to Effective Communication. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/turning-point/201404/how-self-awareness-leads-effective-communication
 

Kraus, M. (2017, February 12). Voice-Only Communication Enhances Empathic Accuracy. American Psychologist. American Psychological Association. 
https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/amp-amp0000147.pdf

The Complete Leader - Suspending Judgement Is a Key Leadership Skill - https://www.thecompleteleader.org/articles/suspending-judgement-key-leadership-skill

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Why Pursuing Pleasure Will Never Bring You Joy

Imagine it: You are having a bite of your favorite mouthwatering dessert. Mine is a rich dark chocolate cookie cake, but maybe yours is something else. Whatever it is, imagine it fully: How it tastes, the texture, what it does to your taste buds, mood, and emotions. You love it, right?

So what you are experiencing in that moment as you savour it: is it pleasure, happiness, or joy?

Despite how trivial the example is, knowing how to distinguish between these three feelings will make the difference between a life filled with regrets and one that leaves you truly satisfied in the end.

Yes, how you relate to that simple dessert says everything about the kind of life you are living. Caught your interest? Keep reading.

Sometimes, the words pleasure, happiness, and joy are used interchangeably. We may think they all mean the same thing — a feeling of contentment or delight. But on closer examination, there are distinct differences between these three feelings, how we experience them, and from where they originate. Knowing the difference will change how well you understand yourself and how you spend your time. It will allow you to truly know what makes you feel good. 

Let's start with the lowest-hanging fruit: pleasure.

What Is Pleasure?

At its core, pleasure is about satisfying our needs and desires. It’s about doing something that feels good in the moment. Pleasure is often fleeting; it can come from external sources like food or activities like shopping or playing video games, to name a few. 

Pleasure is something that we crave, as it offers an immediate sense of gratification that can be found in the small moments and experiences of everyday life. It’s the feeling of satisfaction you get when you:

• Take a bite of your favorite food (including that delicious dessert you just imagined)

• Get a massage after a long day

• Experience the taste explosion of a gourmet meal

• Sink into the hot water of a bubble bath

• Experience sensual touch

• Spend money on material things you attach some meaning to (from small things like jewelry and flowers to huge things like cars, houses, and vacations)

The key defining feature of pleasure is that it is a physical sensation and it is fleeting; it doesn’t last forever, and often its duration is actually quite short, leaving us craving for more soon again.

Pleasure is dependent on external factors and is not a sustainable source of long-term emotional fulfillment. By its nature, it is over the moment it is over. As a result, the pursuit of pleasure alone can lead to an imbalanced and unfulfilling emotional life as we try to consume more and more of its "kick" but are always left feeling empty shortly thereafter.

When we stop being aware of how and why we pursue pleasures, they can become a field onto which we project deficiencies in other parts of our lives:

• We are stressed, so we eat too much food.

• We are angry, so we go out drinking.

• We are lonely, so we consume online dating.

• We are insecure, so we spend a lot of money on items that boost our confidence.

While pleasures in of themselves aren't bad or good, the constant pursuit of pleasures, in which we project onto them something else that is currently missing in our lives, is a recipe for addiction formation.

Understanding how pleasures fit into our lives is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with them. And recognizing that pleasure is a temporary sensation can help us appreciate its presence without becoming overly reliant on it. 

Perhaps you are starting to get a sense of the positive and shadow sides of pleasure and why you need to know what makes you feel good. But before we unpack that some more, let's first understand how pleasure relates to happiness.

What Is Happiness?

We've all heard people either agree or disagree with the saying that "Money can buy you happiness." Well, with our understanding above of pleasure, perhaps a less controversial statement would be, "Money can buy you pleasure," which it certainly can. But can lots of pleasure lead to happiness, and if so, can money buy that too?

Happiness is an emotion that, while also often externally provoked, tends to last longer than pleasure. It is typically dependent on something else than just satisfying desire, such as achieving a goal, receiving recognition, or experiencing positive life events. We feel it when experiencing the positive outcomes of our efforts. It can also be in response to experiencing pleasure but rather as a thought about having had or experienced the pleasure.

For example, we may have felt pleasure when diving into the cold water of a lake on a hot day and derive happiness when thinking about and remembering that experience afterward.

Happiness is less about material acquisition and more about experiences or our thoughts on those experiences.

Happiness is a reaction to favorable circumstances and can be influenced by factors such as our relationships, personal achievements, and overall life satisfaction.

Examples of situations that may bring happiness include:

• Having a home garden and growing your own food

• Having a great conversation with a dear friend

• Watching someone else's face gets lit up with excitement

• Completing a physically challenging feat

• Collaborating with a team to achieve a common goal

These events can create a sense of accomplishment and contentment, contributing to our overall happiness. Whereas pleasure tends to stimulate desire, happiness activates our values.

When we see and experience things in the world that align with our own view of what is good, we often feel happiness. Happiness, like pleasure, is also often linked to external factors and may not provide a constant source of emotional well-being. It comes and goes, just like any other emotion.

The role of happiness in our lives is significant, as it can contribute to a sense of pride and purpose. At the same time, by realizing that happiness is temporary, we can better manage our expectations around when we feel it and what to change when it fades (i.e., surround yourself with more people and activities that align with your inner values; more about this later).

So does that mean money can buy happiness? Well, if money can buy pleasure, and those pleasures align with your values, then indirectly perhaps money can. The issue is when people’s pursuit of pleasures do not actually align with their values. Short-term cravings are satisfied, but we are left still feeling empty and unsatisfied after they are over. So when money is spent on things that align with our values, it stands a chance at increasing happiness, otherwise, it most probably won’t.

But, What Is Joy?

Joy stands apart from pleasure and happiness as it originates from a different source. According to Brene Brown in Atlas of the Heart, "Joy is sudden, unexpected, short-lasting and high-intensity. Joy expands our thinking and attention, and it fills us with a sense of freedom and abandon." (Brown, 2021)

There is something innately spiritual, internal, and breathtaking about joy. Its origins lie in something that may remind us of universal values like beauty, truth, love, and connection.

When in the presence of such experiences, we often feel joy.

When we experience a moment of our highest, most complete sense of self, we feel joy.

When we meet someone else who feels deeply rooted in their own positive spiritedness, we call them joyful.

The connection to joy is found through our relationships, perspectives, and experiences and often transcends feelings of pleasure and happiness in its intensity and depth. 

Examples of circumstances that bring joy may include:

• Appreciating the beauty and belonging that exist within a close-knit community

• Witnessing the caretaking and love between two individuals

• Stopping your car to take in a gorgeous sunset with all its colours in the sky

• Feeling the beauty of life when the warmth of the sun caresses the softness of your skin

• Being moved by the passion and determination of someone else to do good in the world

These experiences often create a profound sense of connection and meaning that contributes to a unique sense of joy. Unlike pleasure and happiness, if we understand how to look for and identify sources of joy, it can become a more consistent source of emotional well-being. 

For that, though, you need to know what makes you feel good. 

Here's a quick reference table outlining the key differences between pleasure, happiness, and joy, including examples of each feeling: 

The Consequences of Misunderstanding and Misidentifying Our Feelings

Understanding the distinctions between pleasure, happiness, and joy is essential for understanding our emotional landscape. Remember, these three words are distinct experiences with different origins and impacts on us. Failing to recognize the differences between them can lead to disappointment and depression, as well as unhealthy behaviors like self-medication or addiction.

For example, when we confuse pleasure with happiness, we may turn to substances or activities that provide pleasure instead of seeking authentic happiness in our lives. This type of deviation can lead to projection and, eventually, addiction.

Projection

Projection occurs when we make our feelings or emotions dependent on others or other things rather than acknowledging the underlying needs we have. This can lead to misunderstandings and strained relationships as we blame external factors for our lack of emotional fulfillment instead of examining our internal state. 

For example, let’s say that you have reasons to be unhappy in your life (caused by work or relationship issues, for example). As an antidote to your unhappiness you use pleasure-producing activities like sports or gambling to give yourself a hit of dopamine and are left feeling good in the moment you do them. With time, however you become convinced that, as long as you have those activities, you can be happy. Through this thinking, you are projecting your need for happiness onto activities that induce pleasure only. As soon as the pleasure is over you return to get another hit, so, more sports, more gambling. You keep thinking that each time it's giving you happiness but in fact you don’t feel any happier afterwards; it’s always short-lived. And so you return for more, and find yourself in a vicious cycle of obsessive working out or gambling, and disappointment that leads to returning for more. All the while, the other areas of your life that are actually causing you unhappiness continue to be a problem and drive you to further engage with this vicious cycle. That’s how projection works.

By understanding when we are outsourcing our wish for happiness to activities that bring us short-term pleasure, we can become aware of what we really lack and want. That awareness can help us look for how we can satisfy the underlying need in more sustainable ways. 

If we don’t, however, then the activities we project our happiness onto can become addictions. 

Addictions

Addiction arises when we rely excessively on short-term pleasures to fill an emotional void. We become dependent on the short-term fix they give us and feel we can no longer be happy without them. 

For instance, we might turn to excessive shopping, binge eating, or substance abuse as a means to experience pleasure and avoid dealing with the root causes of our unhappiness. When we do this for long enough, we become addicted to the feelings those experiences give us.

Recognizing the transient nature of pleasure and the external factors influencing happiness helps us break free from addictive patterns and seek more sustainable sources of emotional fulfillment. Of course, for that, you first need to know what makes you feel good — both in terms of pleasure and authentic happiness. One you do, you can then notice and detangle pleasure-providing activities with true sources of happiness.

Unraveling this misunderstanding takes intentional effort — it requires us to slow down and tune into how we're really feeling at any given moment so that we can understand what brings us true fulfilment. Read on to find out how you can do this. 

Strategies for Pursuing Experiences and Emotions in a Healthy Way

A. Recognize and appreciate pleasure, happiness, and joy for what they are

Cultivating a practice of gratitude is a powerful way to develop a healthy relationship with pleasure, happiness, and joy. This involves being present and attentive to our emotional experiences and acknowledging and savouring them without judgment.

By recognizing and appreciating the sensations of pleasure, happiness, and joy for what they are, we can derive genuine satisfaction from each without falling into the trap of constantly seeking more or confusing one for another.

So start noticing for yourself what each of these 3 feel like for you: the physical sensations in your body as well as the impact they have on your mind and mood when you experience pleasure, happiness and joy.

Doing so allows you to be more present to each as it’s happening. When you are more present to them, you can add in being grateful for each of these sensations as they occur. Gratitude for these sensations not only allows us to experience them more fully in the moment. It also helps us recognize their presence more often. Practicing gratitude increases our ability to notice moments in which the possibility for pleasure, happiness and/or joy exist.

This increased awareness and gratitude creates a powerful upward cycle. For example, we experience joy, are then grateful for the experience, and in turn experience more joy as a result of our appreciation for this moment. And unlike the pursuit of pleasure, when it comes to joy, the more, the better. More frequent experiences of joy are linked to increased well-being, life satisfaction, and fulfillment. 

B. Establish emotional boundaries

Another crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy emotional life is establishing emotional boundaries. This includes practicing self-care and prioritizing emotional well-being by setting limits. Doing so prevents emotional burnout and overindulgence. This means learning when to say "no" to protect our emotional health and well-being.

Often the boundaries we need to set are not only with others but sometimes also with ourselves. Realizing when our pursuit of pleasure is crossing the line into an unhealthy habit is an opportunity to put up a boundary between how and when we engage with that activity and dig into why we crave it in the first place. Remember, pleasures in of themselves are not a problem. It is only when we abuse or use them as a projection field that it then becomes an issue.

C. Align your pursuits with your values and true desires

In order to experience genuine joy and fulfillment, it's crucial to align our pursuits with our values and deepest needs. Reflect on what truly brings you happiness, joy, and fulfillment, and pursue activities and relationships that match your core values and aspirations.

This alignment allows us to cultivate a deep, enduring sense of emotional satisfaction that goes beyond fleeting pleasures or transient highs. Remember, pleasure is more physical and short-lived, happiness more linked to our values, and joy more linked to an awe-like moment of real satisfaction and connection to the life around us. With that in mind, know what makes you feel good and then align your actions accordingly. Take the time to identify for yourself which activates activate your most important personal values, and then fill your days and weeks with plenty of those, instead of compromising with too many pleasure-seeking ones.

Final Thoughts

Pleasure, happiness, and joy are three distinct experiences that have powerful impacts on our lives. As we strive to experience each of these in our day-to-day lives, it is important to recognize the differences between them and know what makes you feel good.

Too often, we mistake pleasure for happiness or joy and fail to appreciate the unique qualities of each. Ironically, this misunderstanding causes us to miss out on the full range of human experiences available to us, as a wonderful part of life is being able to enjoy pleasure, happiness, and joy. The key is to be aware and conscious of the sources and impact of each for us.

Take the time to learn about the distinctions between these three. Know what makes you feel good and how it shapes your needs and choices.

You might just find that not only will you enjoy the pleasures of that favorite dessert of yours more deeply, but that you are able to derive pleasure, happiness and joy from it as well.

References:

Verywell Mind - How Freud's Pleasure Principle Works - https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-pleasure-principle-2795472

PositivePsychology.com - What Is Happiness and Why Is It Important? - https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-happiness/

Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart - https://brenebrown.com/book/atlas-of-the-heart/

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How to Drop the Mask and Start Living Authentically

Have you ever played a role for so long that you forgot who you truly are? Maybe it's at work, trying to be a certain type of manager or colleague in order to succeed... Or with friends trying to fit in by pretending you're interested in something you're not... Or even with family by continuing to be our 16-year-old selves even though we've outgrown that person years ago. This is a familiar feeling for many people, often likened to wearing a mask. We adorn these masks early in our lives as we grapple to find our place—to find where we belong.

And yet, these masks are merely facades, disguises we wear, which over time, create a void between our true selves and the characters we play in our personal and professional lives. They may have served us at one point in time, but what happens when the mask just doesn't fit anymore?

In this blog, we will explore the journey of self-discovery and the transformative power when you drop the mask and reconnect with your authentic self.

The Masks We Wear: The Early Years

From childhood, we're taught to wear masks for compliance and conformity. Parents, teachers, and society encourage us to "fit in" and adjust our behavior to meet expectations. So, we put on masks to be accepted and feel a sense of belonging. We become the "people-pleaser," the "overachiever," the "class clown," or the "perfect son or daughter."

These masks often do serve us in our early years, helping us navigate the challenging waters of social life. In the workplace, they can help us get ahead, achieve our goals, and establish our place within the team. But as we grow older, these masks can begin to feel restrictive, heavy, and even suffocating.

However, there comes a time when we reach an awakening—a turning point in our lives. We start to question the authenticity of these masks that we have donned for so long. This transformative phase holds a power that has the ability to shape the rest of our lives.

The Awakening: The Turning Point

As we evolve in our personal and professional lives, we may find ourselves in a conflict or even crises with ourselves. The coping strategies and identities that once seemed to protect us now feel like burdens. We begin to question, "Who am I, really?" The realization dawns that what got us here today won’t necessarily get us to where we want to be tomorrow.

This happens at different times for each of us. And although it may start early for some—say, in the mid-20s—for most, it seems to start in the 30s and then continues well into the 40s and 50s. The experience of a mid-life crisis—often linked to the sense that who we've become is so different than who we thought or wanted to become—can be linked to years of mask-wearing.

It's at this point that we're presented with a choice. Do we continue to wear the mask, remaining stuck in an identity that no longer serves us? Or do we muster the courage to drop the mask, unlearn old behaviors, and start living authentically?

Dropping the Mask in Your Personal Life

When we choose to live authentically, we embark on a journey of self-discovery. We start to recognize and embrace who we really are, our values, our passions, and our strengths. We learn to express our emotions honestly, and we give ourselves permission to be vulnerable.

The beauty of living authentically in our personal lives is that it allows us to forge genuine connections with others. When we show up as our true selves, we invite others to do the same. This deepens our relationships and fosters a sense of true belonging, built not on pretenses but on genuine mutual acceptance.

Unmasking for Professional Success

In the workplace, living authentically means bringing our whole selves to work, not just the parts deemed "professional" or "acceptable." Authenticity at work can lead to increased job satisfaction, better performance, and stronger relationships with colleagues.

While it's not easy to start doing if you're coming out of years of mask-wearing, people who drop the mask and live authentically at work are not only happier but also more innovative. They are not afraid to voice their opinions, express their ideas, or advocate for their needs. They create and foster workplaces where diversity of thought is celebrated, and authenticity becomes the norm, not the exception.

5 Tools to Drop the Mask and Live Authentically

Let's take a look at these 5 empowering tools that can help you drop the mask and embrace authenticity.

1. Self-Awareness

Practice self-reflection and identify your values and beliefs. This is the number one step to showing up authentically. There is no way to be you if you don't know who you are.

Tool:

For 5 days straight, observe yourself as if you were observing someone else.

• At the end of each day, write a list of everything that excited you, scared you, triggered you, and made you happy.

• At the end of the week, identify your values and beliefs that link together the experiences you had. These values are the foundation of who you are and how you show up (or want to show up) in the world.

2. Communication

Speak up and share your opinions and feelings. Authenticity requires vulnerability. It's not always easy, but the result is that others deepen their connection with the real you.

Tool:

Giving feedback to others is a powerful way to start practicing authentic communication. To do so in a safe and productive way, make sure you hit on these points:

• Situation: Where/when did something happen?

• Behavior: What was the observed behavior you saw?

• Impact: What was the impact the behavior had on you?

• Request: What would you like the person to do differently next time?

Practicing giving this kind of feedback strengthens your confidence in using your voice, speaking up, and sharing what's important to you.

3. Uniqueness

Stop comparing yourself to others and focus on your own journey instead. Everyone's path is unique, so honor the one you are on.

Tool:

• Make a list of the top 5-7 qualities that you possess, are proud of, and feel are unique to you. If you aren't sure of what they are, ask some close friends to share their perception of your top qualities.

• Then, each morning, wake up and set an intention to really lean into one of those qualities for that day. Find opportunities for how you can bring those qualities to life and benefit from them.

• Reflect at the end of the day on where it was easy and when it was hard to embody your qualities.

• The more conscious you become of what makes you special, the more you can let those parts shine and guide you.

4. Boundaries

Set boundaries and say “no” to things that don't align with your values or priorities. This will help you stay true to yourself and avoid overstretching yourself to please others.

Tool:

Practice saying “no” at least once each day. It can be something small or large — it doesn't matter.

The point is to start building the skill to put up your boundaries. This is not selfish; it's responsible and necessary if you want to be able to show up fully in the world and not have others run all over you.

5. Acceptance

Embrace your imperfections and let go of the need for perfection. Accepting your flaws and mistakes is a key part of being authentically you.

Tool:

Notice once a day when your ambition for perfection is preventing you from moving forward. Then, practice finishing the task when it is only 80% complete. It can be a small or large task, like:

• Sending an email,

• Submitting a proposal, or

• Publishing a post.

The point is to start realizing that everything is still okay even when it's not perfect and that your perfection is stopping you from making progress.

Final Thoughts - A Life Unmasked

The masks we wear may seem comforting at first, providing a shield from judgment and a semblance of belonging. However, they often prevent us from expressing our true selves and experiencing genuine connections. The turning point arrives when we realize that our masks, while once protective, are now barriers to our current and future growth and happiness.

Embracing authenticity and starting to drop the mask may seem daunting, but the rewards are well worth the journey. The authenticity we cultivate becomes our guide, leading us to a life of deeper meaning, fulfillment, and joy. After all, there's nothing more liberating than being truly, unapologetically, you.

References:

Cialdini, R. B., & Goldstein, N. J. (2004). Social influence: compliance and conformity. Annual review of psychology, 55, 591–621. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.55.090902.142015

Hewlin, P. F., Karelaia, N., Kouchaki, M., & Sedikides, C. (2020). Authenticity at work: Its shapes, triggers, and consequences. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 158, 80-82. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2020.01.010

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You Can Manage Your Stress: Reacting to and Coping with Stress in Healthy Ways

Pandemics, recessions, and wars... breakups, deadlines, and traffic: Figuring out how to react and cope with stress when it strikes — whether it be huge or something small — can be hard. Stress is like a storm cloud on the horizon, always lurking and ready to unleash its fury. Every day, we’re faced with situations that test our ability to manage stress. 

But is all stress bad? And can we really manage the way it affects us? 

In this blog post, I’ll share with you everything you need to know about stress, how to deal with it, and even how to come out of it stronger, more positive, and balanced. After reading this and putting these tips into practice, you'll find that you can manage your stress!

Why Does Stress Management Matter?

Different factors can trigger stress for us, such as our work environment, family dynamics, financial situation, health condition, or our encounters with trauma-recalling events. These factors are called "stress triggers" or "stressors."

While we can’t always avoid or prevent these stressors, we can choose how we respond to them. That’s where stress management comes in. 

Stress management is a collection of methods and plans designed to help people cope better with stress in their lives. It involves identifying the specific sources of stress and taking proactive steps to minimize their effects before, during, and after they occur.

Stress management can also improve well-being and resilience. By managing our stress levels, we can perform better at work or school, improve our relationships with others, and enjoy life more.

How Stressed Are You?

Stress manifests itself in various ways for different people. The very first step to working on stress is to identify that you are stressed. Do you know how to spot the signs of stress for yourself? 

Take a look at the checklist below and tick off anything you have been feeling in the last week. Don’t worry about how often or strongly you felt them. If you've experienced it, it gets a tick.

Now, count how many items you’ve checked on the list. Once you have your number, refer to the chart below to identify your stress level:

(Adapted from Baylor University’s Stress Symptom’s Checklist. Please note that like any self-assessment, this isn't "The Truth." Rather, it's a starting point to then get into reflection with yourself on this topic). 

Remember, the first step to managing stress is to be aware of when we are stressed. So don't beat yourself up if your results indicate a higher stress level than you’d hoped for. Now that you're aware of it and the physical, behaviour, emotional, and cognitive ways it manifests, you can start doing something about it.

But Stress Isn’t Always Bad

Before we try to eliminate stress entirely, it's important to mention that everyone experiences stress to some degree, and not all stress is bad. In fact, stress can be healthy in some situations as long as it’s not overwhelming or chronic. It can motivate us to take action, improve our focus and creativity, and boost our immune system and resilience. 

This type of "healthy" stress is a normal and necessary part of being alive. Without it, we'd become bored out of our minds and wouldn't develop the necessary strength to fight off diseases and dangerous situations.

Yet, while stress can be beneficial in some situations, it can also have negative effects when the stress level gets too high and we don’t handle it well. When stress exceeds the amount that puts us into the "Good Zone," it can push us into the "Terror Zone" (see my blog post on this topic around energy management).

When stress moves us into unsustainable territory, many people try coping with activities like drinking, gambling, working, having sex, and eating to distract or numb themselves. These activities aren’t bad in themselves, but they can become harmful if we rely on them too much or use them to avoid our problems. 

The key is to find healthy ways to manage our stress rather than resorting to projecting our stress onto others, avoiding facing our stress, or distracting ourselves to avoid dealing with it.

What Are Healthy Ways to Manage Stress?

If you want to handle stress better and become more resilient in life, it's helpful to break down the many points in time when you can work on it. While knowing how to manage stress in the moment is important, it's just one part of the puzzle. What you do before and after stressful events is as, if not more important than how you deal with it right when it happens. You Can Manage Your Stress!

Before Stress (Prevention)

A great way to manage stress is to prevent it from happening or lessen its intensity on us. While you can’t control the outside world, you do have lots of control over how things affect you. Here are some effective strategies you can use to help prevent or reduce stress before it starts:

1. Identify Your Sources of Stress

The first step is to recognize what causes you stress. These stress instigators are your triggers.

• Is it your work? 

• Your relationships? 

• Your finances? 

• Your health? 

• Your expectations? 

Look back at the last 1-2 weeks and write down a list of all the things that triggered you and caused you stress. Start to notice if there are some patterns that link various triggers together. What is causing you to get stressed or triggered by these events? 

Most people are only really triggered by 3 or 4 types of events — and these are situations that keep repeating themselves in various forms — so knowing what they are will help you start working on them. 

We are often triggered by events that clash with something we value: be it freedom, fairness, calmness, authenticity, etc. So identify your triggers and then uncover and cluster the root causes (i.e., the values that are being stepped on when that trigger happens).

Just knowing these patterns already gives you an advantage in starting to predict and work with triggers before and when they happen.

2. Plan Your Response Ahead

Once you know your triggers and what types of situations are likely to activate them, you can then work on your response to that trigger in advance of it happening. 

For example, if there's always someone at work that triggers you, you know there will be situations in the future where they will trigger you again. So rather than being caught off-guard each time it happens, prepare for it by visualizing what will happen in advance. 

Visualisation works best when you have a moment to yourself and are calm and grounded. Here’s how to do it:

1st Step - Visualize the trigger

Once you've carved out a moment for yourself, start by imagining the trigger: where, when, who else is around, and as many details as you can. The more you visualise it, the better you can work with it. 

2nd Step - Visualize your response

Then, as a second step, identify for yourself how you would like to manage this situation if you had access to your full resourcefulness, creativity, and empathy in the moment when it happens. 

This is an important step because in the moment when we are actually triggered, it's impossible for us to access this rational part of our brains. The trigger flairs up our more primitive fight, flight, and freeze reactions, and we are left feeling helpless to better responses. But since you are now visualizing this event during a moment when you are grounded and calm, you may find that there are more response options available to you than you realized. 

3rd Step - Choose a response for next time

As a third and final step, make a list of all (desirable) response options you could have, choose the one that feels best, and then plan to practice that new response the next time the situation happens. 

Be kind to yourself; you may not execute on your plan perfectly the first time (the situation is after all a trigger for you). But with time, you'll find that each time the situation happens, it's a chance for you to improve your desired response to it. 

Do this type of work with each trigger that is meaningful to you, and you'll find that the stressfulness of the situation will loosen its grip on you.

3. Set Boundaries 

Sometimes, we take on too much or say yes when we want to say no. This can lead to feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and eventually burnout. In this state, even small things that don't usually trigger us can lead to huge emotional reactivity. 

To prevent this kind of stress, learn how to set boundaries with others and with yourself. Have the courage to say "no" when you need to say "no" (see my blog on how to say no for a deep dive into this topic). Delegate tasks when possible. Ask for help when needed. 

Setting yourself up so that you only take on your plate as much as you can handle (professionally, personally, socially, or physically) is a huge part of being less triggered and stressed by events happening around us.

4. Create a health-supportive system

Of course, it goes without saying that there are some other basic habits that help with maintaining a healthy physical and mental state: 

A. Eat Well-Balanced Meals

Eating a balanced diet that provides you with enough nutrients and energy can help you cope with stress better and avoid stressful illnesses. If you're not sure what a balanced diet means, think whole, unprocessed foods, maximising as many different colours of food types as possible. Consult a nutritionist for more details on this. 

B. Get Enough Sleep

It's different for each of us, but most studies suggest a minimum of 7 hours a night.

C. Exercise Regularly

Being physically active can help you reduce stress by releasing endorphins (the feel-good hormones) in your brain, improving your mood and self-esteem, enhancing your physical health and appearance, and providing you with a positive outlet for your emotions. 

Find an activity that you like, maybe with a group if that helps keep up your motivation, and set goals and milestones that you then celebrate with healthy rewards.

D. Good Social Circle of Support

Having supportive people in your life who care about you and understand you is another healthy way to prevent stress before it happens. When you know you are grounded in a strong community, it can make some stressful situations feel less threatening. Some tips for building a good social circle of support include:

• Reaching out to people who share your interests or values

• Maintaining regular contact with your friends and family and making sure you keep a diverse mix of people who inspire you, have varied experiences from you, are willing to lend a helping hand when you need it, and see the greatness in you

• Expressing gratitude and appreciation for their support

• Being supportive of them in return (such as offering help or encouragement when they need it)

E. Know Your Purpose and Live By It

Knowing your purpose means having a clear sense of what matters to you and what gives meaning to your life. It can help you manage stress better by motivating you to:

• Pursue your goals and passions

• Inspiring you to overcome challenges and difficulties

• Aligning your actions with your beliefs and values

• Providing you with a sense of direction and fulfillment

• Giving you the perspective to realize that whatever is stressing you isn't worth the attention you are giving it

This purpose doesn't need to be a "I want to change the world" kind of statement. Your purpose might be just making people around you smile. Or providing a safe home for your kids. Or just being able to learn about yourself. 

Find that purpose, and you'll find that you become more resilient to ignoring distractions that don't align with it. Make time to fill your schedule with activities and people that nourish it, and cut out those who don't. 

5. Work on Your Mindset

A. Let Go of Perfectionism (see my blog about perfectionism) to understand what a huge difference this can make in the ways we trigger ourselves. 

B. Practice Assertiveness and Speak Kindly to Yourself

This includes listing out the qualities that make you unique, transforming the way you see them so that you really view them as superpowers, and then finding situations where you can use those superpowers to gain balance, groundedness, and perspective. 

C. Focus on the Here and Now by Being Mindful

Part of the reason that triggers have such a strong impact on us is that they are able to grab the attention of our mind and completely focus it on one stressful aspect of a situation. However, mindfulness practices allow us to strengthen our ability to see when this awareness-hijack happens. Once you’re aware of it happening, you can bring the attention of your mind back to something more grounded and useful. 

So by embedding a mindfulness practice, you are literally strengthening your mind so that it doesn't get triggered as easily. And when you do get triggered, mindfulness practice supports you in realizing you are triggered more quickly, allowing you to more quickly take back control. 

During Stress (Intervention)

Sometimes, we can’t avoid or prevent stressful situations. They just happen unexpectedly or unavoidably. In these cases, we need strategies that can help us cope with in the moment stress. You Can Manage Your Stress when you:

1. Breathe Deeply

One of the simplest and easiest yet most effective ways to cope with stress while it happens is to breathe deeply from your diaphragm (the muscle below your lungs). Deep breathing (think longer, slower exhales in particular) calms your nervous system and lowers your heart rate and blood pressure. It also sends a signal to your brain that everything is "OK," which further calms your entire system down. Try box breathing: 4 counts inhale, 4 counts exhale, 4 counts inhale, 4 counts exhale while you imagine yourself moving up, across, down and across the sides of a box.

2. Use Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations are statements that reinforce your confidence, ability, and worthiness. For example, if you’re feeling stressed about a presentation at work, you can say to yourself:

• "I am prepared"

• "I am capable"

• "I am confident"

Positive affirmations can also help you challenge negative thoughts and vicious self-talk cycles in the moment when you are stressed, allowing you to keep your perspective and stay balanced within yourself and your abilities.

3. Shift Your Perspective

Often what stresses us in the moment is an inability to see things from a larger view. We feel trapped, helpless, and without the ability to change things. 

Asking yourself these questions in the moment you are stressed can allow for a perspective shift that helps you return to a more grounded and balanced state:

A: How might the other person in this situation describe what's happening?

B: How will I likely view this situation in 5 minutes/days/weeks/months?

C: What would a best friend advise me to do in this situation?

D: If this situation was meant to teach me something important, what would that be?

E: What is still good in my life, even while this situation is happening?

4. Seek Social Support

Seek social support from people who care about you, such as friends, family members, or colleagues. Social support can help you:

• Feel less alone

• Get different perspectives

• Receive advice

• Vent your emotions

You don't need to hold everything you're dealing with all by yourself. Reach out in the moment you feel stressed and benefit from one of the most fundamental parts of being human: connection and belonging with others. 

5. Practice Skills to Manage Difficult Conversations

The basis for how to prevent difficult conversations from escalating is to understand the ways in which we add fuel to the fire when communicating. Non-violent communication is one methodology for improving this and has a lot to do with owning your own experience and emotions, speaking from the "I" rather than "YOU" voice, and not using accusatory or blaming/assumptive language. This approach encourages active listening and empathetic understanding of the other person's perspective.

Non-violent communication is based on four key components:

• Sharing concrete observations

• Sharing your own feelings

• Expressing your needs

• Making clear requests

The goal is to find mutually beneficial solutions to problems and build positive relationships. You can use it in various settings, including personal relationships, work environments, and community situations. While non-violent communication requires practice and patience to master, it can be a powerful tool for improving communication and reducing conflict.

After Stress (Recovery)

After a stressful situation is over, we need strategies that can help us recover from stress and restore our balance. You Can Manage Your Stress when you:

1. Write It Down

Writing can help you process your emotions, gain new insights, and release tension. You can also write down what you learned from the situation and what you can do differently next time when such a trigger appears again.

2. Take a Break

Take a breather from your usual routine and do something that relaxes you or makes you happy. You could:

• Explore a scenic trail in nature and breathe in the fresh air

• Listen to your favorite music and sing along or dance to the rhythm

• Watch a hilarious comedy and laugh out loud

• Read an engaging book and immerse yourself in a different world

• Play with your adorable pet and cuddle with them

Taking a break can help you give some time away from stress, allowing you to recharge your energy and then revisit the situation with a different view on it.

3. Create Something

Try creating something that expresses your feelings or interests. You could try:

• Drawing, painting, or sculpting something that represents your emotions

• Keeping a bullet journal, a diary, or a gratitude log to let your inner experience flow out onto the page

• Cooking new recipes, experimenting with favorite dishes, or indulging in some artistic baking to spark your creative juices

• Learning to dance salsa, tango, hip hop, or ballet to release any physical and emotional stress you are holding

Creating something can help you process your stress, express your feelings, boost your self-esteem, and stimulate your brain.

4. Learn About Yourself

Like I said earlier, stress isn’t always bad; it can also be an opportunity to learn about yourself and what's important to you. Ask yourself these questions:

• What triggered my stress? 

• How did I react to my stress? 

• What did I learn from my stress? 

• What can I do differently next time? 

Final Thoughts

Stress management is not about eliminating stress from our lives but about finding healthy ways to deal with it. While you may not be able to control stressful situations from happening, you can control your response to them. By understanding how stress affects you and learning how to react, cope with, and bounce back from it, you can live better, feel better, do better, and get more out of your life. 

Ultimately, stress is a natural part of being human, but that doesn't mean that it has to take you down each time it hits you… You Can Manage Your Stress. 

Now, all you need to do is build in a routine of healthy habits to support you in doing so. 

References:

Syracuse University School of Education - Self-Care https://soe.syr.edu/departments/academic/counseling-human-services/modules/self-care/

Baylor University - Stress Symptom Checklist

https://www.baylor.edu/content/services/document.php/183434.pdf

Stanford Medicine - Study Explains How Stress Can Boost Immune System

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2012/06/study-explains-how-stress-can-boost-immune-system.html

Sleep Foundation - How Much Sleep Do We Really Need? https://www.sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need

Model Thinkers - Nonviolent Communication https://modelthinkers.com/mental-model/nonviolent-communication

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How to Control Your Trigger Reaction Instead of It Controlling You

Every day, we come across things that really get under our skin. It could be a cryptic "We should talk..." message, someone cutting us off in traffic, or even just some criticism. These incidents are called triggers, and they happen to all of us. But guess what? Learning about and managing your reaction to these triggers can be your greatest ticket to personal growth. 

In this blog post, we'll explore triggers - what they are, why they produce such a big reaction in us, how they affect us, and how to handle them on the spot. Plus, we'll look at addressing their deeper causes for lasting change. So let‘s dive in and begin learning how you control what stresses you! 

The Triggering Experience

Triggers are those incidents when something seemingly insignificant sets off an intense emotional reaction within us. Even in the cases where the incident is not so insignificant, if you later notice that your reaction to the situation might have been out of proportion with what was actually happening, then you were triggered. These triggers evoke a cascade of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations that can be overwhelming at times.

Let’s take a common example: Imagine being stuck in traffic and someone dangerously cuts in front of you without signaling. Your initial reaction might be a flash of anger, your heart starts to race, and perhaps even a few choice words fly out of your mouth.

Or picture sitting at your desk, and an email notification from your boss pops up with the subject line, "Come to my office." Instantly, your palms might start to sweat and your thoughts spiral into a whirlwind of worry. This is you being triggered (and if neither of these examples trigger you, then just think of one that produces a similar type of immediate reaction in you, and that’s an example of your trigger)..

Your reaction to triggers are the immediate, visceral responses that accompany them after they happen, making them hard to ignore. In order to be able to control what stresses you, the first step requires your awareness that these reactions are even happening.

The Neuroscience Behind Triggers

To understand triggers and why they cause such reactions in us, we need to peek into the intricate workings of our brains, which have a built-in alarm system called the amygdala. This tiny, almond-shaped structure is responsible for triggering our fight-or-flight response when it perceives a threat and leads to the phenomenon known as the "amygdala hijack." 

While you probably have already heard of the fight, flight, and freeze reactions, there are some other reactions that can also happen: 

Freak-out, when you become irrational and start frantically engaging in tasks that have nothing to do with the trigger; tending, when you start caring for others instead of paying attention to what you need; and befriending, when you get closer to the person who is triggering you in the hopes that that will keep you safer than being their enemy.

Triggers can activate any of these reactions within us, even when the threat isn't physical but rather emotional or psychological. Understanding this neural process helps us grasp why triggers can be so intense and challenging to control. 

In short, when we perceive situations as threatening our safety, whether physical, social, professional, or relational, we are likely to find ourselves in the grips of a strong trigger reaction. While we don’t all get triggered by the same things, we all do have things that trigger us. And while reacting to them is wired into our survival biology, experiencing them in our everyday lives can leave us breathless and overwhelmed in their powerful embrace.

This brings us to the question of how triggers affect our day-to-day decision-making and overall well-being. 

When we're triggered, our decision-making abilities take a hit. Empathy dwindles, perspective narrows, and creativity stalls. Essentially, we're not our best selves when our triggers are activated. The amygdala hijacks the parts of our brains responsible for rational, empathic, and creative thought, and as these parts go offline, we are literally limited to only the survival-based options that remain. 

When this happens, our bodies are the first to react—heart racing, sweating, accelerated breathing, muscle tension—and this is immediately followed by a slew of emotions such as panic, despair, anger, sadness, frustration and fear. 

Our thoughts follow suit, thinking things like:

• Why is this happening to me?

• I’m not good enough.

• They hate me.

• I‘m getting fired.

• How dare you?

• I need to get out of here!

• You‘re so selfish!

• There‘s nothing I can do.

While this amygdala-hijack model is an overly simplified explanation of how the brain works, it can provide us with an easy-to-understand picture of what’s taking place in our brains in the moment we get triggered. This helps explain why it can be so difficult to self-regulate and calm ourselves down in these moments.

However, not all hope is lost. With the right tools, you control what stresses you, so let’s switch gears and focus on practical things you can do right when you feel triggered to change your state.

Coping in the Moment vs. Deeper Healing: Short-term Interventions

Fortunately, there are ways to cope when triggers strike. Simple techniques like mindful breathing and grounding exercises can help you regain control of your emotions and reactions. These strategies are essential in the heat of the moment, but they're only the first step. Check these out, but make sure to also read the next section that introduces how to heal your triggers at the true source from which they come.

1. Use Your Breath

Having a variety of breathing techniques in your toolbox is essential, as they are the fastest way to signal your brain to pause and reduce panic. Here's a visual guide on one of my favorites, called the 3 Breaths:

2. Take an Intentional Pause to Respond

Develop the habit of taking a momentary pause after a trigger occurs and before reacting. This pause allows for self-reflection, increased self-awareness, and the opportunity to choose a more thoughtful response instead of an impulsive reaction. 

The key behavior in this pause is for you to notice that while your reaction is intense, you can still be an observer of it. And if you are able to observe it, then it is not entirely you. Your observing self is your pure you, and from this place, you can choose a different response. 

ETC or "Emotion, Truth, Choice" is a tool that guides you through 3 questions to deescalate your triggered mind, connect you with helpful thoughts, and provide you with new choices. 

Remember to take a deep breath before steps 2 and 3, calming your amygdala-hijacked brain as you do so each time. Through that, you gain access to more perspectives and options.

3. Use Your Body

Reconnecting with the body is important for grounding and managing triggers and stress effectively. Let's start with an exercise that combines breath with the additional element of some minimal body movement.

Abdominal Breathing

1. Place one hand on your stomach and one hand on your chest.

2. Deeply inhale through your nose and feel your stomach rise.

3. Slowly exhale through your mouth and feel your stomach fall.

4. Repeat several times. This promotes relaxation and calm by drawing attention to the quality of your breathing movement.

Visualization

Visualization exercises help enhance the effectiveness of breathing techniques by drawing on the power of your mind. They can help deepen the connection with the breath, allowing for a more profound experience of relaxation, focus, and mental clarity.

Height Visualization

1. Close your eyes and imagine your body from head to toe. 

2. Feel the length of your entire body as you hold your attention from just below your feet to right above your head.

Width Visualization

1. Continue now by bringing your awareness to the left side of your body. 

2. Stretch your attention slightly beyond the left side of each body part, including your legs, arms, torso, and face. 

3. While still holding some attention on the left, shift your focus to the right side and repeat the process, allowing yourself to fully feel the width of your body.

Depth Visualization

1. Finally, visualize the front of your body, including your legs, stomach, chest, and face.

2. Extend your attention just slightly beyond the surface. 

3. While holding attention on the front, shift your focus to the back of your body, encompassing your legs, bum, back, arms, neck, and head. 

4. Notice the full depth of your body as you keep yourself connected from front to back.

All of these techniques are like quick fixes, helping us regain our composure and navigate through challenging situations in the moment they happen. However, these strategies are just like a bandaid you'd apply to a wound. They provide immediate relief and prevent further damage, but they're not the ultimate solution. 

If you truly want to manage your triggers in a sustainable way, it's time to dig deeper into their roots.

Triggers Are Like Wounds: Long-Term Healing Approach

While the techniques above help to down-regulate your system in the heat of the moment, you may still be wondering why these incidents are triggering you in the first place, and why they keep coming back. After all, not all triggers create the same reaction in everyone.

I may be triggered by a long line at checkout, whereas you may find it totally fine; you may be triggered by someone interrupting you when you’re speaking, and it doesn’t bother me at all. To understand your specific trigger reactions, you need to look into your past. 

Consider triggers like wounds from your younger self. These wounds often have their roots in earlier life experiences, such as traumas from our past. These experiences create emotional wounds that may remain dormant until something triggers them. 

Any situation that you experience in which you are left feeling unable to protect yourself—whether emotionally or physically—can result in a wound. Especially as children, when we are often dependent on others for our safety, these experiences can leave us afraid of getting hurt again should we encounter them. So we develop a reaction to them that attempts to keep us safe. 

These traumas are not only limited to what I call big-T Traumas (such as experiencing physical or mental abuse, violence, harm, etc). They also include small-T traumas such as any daily event that hurts us and doesn’t get resolved properly. Being verbally bullied in school, having a parent leave you waiting when you thought they would pick you up, or losing a pet can all be small-T traumas that still leave an unhealed wound in our lives. As we grow older, we get reactive and protective anytime we encounter a situation that touches or activates that wound.

The reaction may involve getting aggressive, trying to hide, creating distance, or any number of other behaviors that try to keep us safe. As we get older and repeat these behaviors over and over again, whenever we encounter anything that reminds us of the original trauma, these reactions become our our go-to reaction. They are like a scab over that wound that becomes rigid, hard, and inflexible. 

As adults, while the triggers may no longer actually be harmful to us, if our amygdala senses them as threats then we are cast back into the same patterns of protective behavior that emerged when we first encountered those triggers.

It’s no wonder that we sometimes hear people say:

"Stop being such a baby," or "You’re acting like such a child," when someone’s reaction to a situation as an adult seems out of proportion with the actual circumstances they are in. 

In those moments, the person triggered literally is resorting back to a protection mode that was (wisely) formed at a time when they truly did feel vulnerable to danger. These protective mechanisms were like armour that safeguarded us from anxiety, fear, and danger during those difficult times. 

The problem is that these same behaviors that may have kept us safe then are preventing us from being able to live free and fuller lives today as adults.

More importantly, these emotional wounds won't heal by themselves. They linger and continue to cause pain until you take steps to address them. Delving into the root causes of triggers involves understanding where they come from and why they have such a powerful hold over us.

This entails revisiting the source of our wounds and understanding the protective mechanisms we developed in response to past challenges.

Understanding and Honoring the Initial Trauma

When it comes to dealing with triggers, it's important to think about how our mind's defenses, or protection mechanisms, come into play. These defenses affect how we react when faced with difficult emotions or situations. By understanding this connection, we can learn more about our reactions and, in turn, grow as individuals. 

Honoring and understanding these protection mechanisms is a crucial step in becoming more self-aware and fostering your personal development. 

Below is a table that presents protection mechanisms along with their descriptions, what they may have been initially protecting, and real-life examples where they could show up.

The next crucial phase is to question the assumptions that underlie these protection mechanisms. Life is dynamic, and circumstances change. The assumptions formed back then, as valid as they once were, may no longer be true if put up against the reality of your experiences today. 

So, it's important to ask whether the assumptions formed when you were triggered are still valid now. 

1. Go through and make a list of assumptions that are present behind each of your reactions to triggers. 

2. Then, check whether the assumptions are still 100% true. 

3. See if you can find examples where the truth of each assumption may be more flexible than you previously thought. 

4. If you‘re not sure, create some experiments with the intention of trying to disprove some of your assumptions. You can do this by trying out some new behaviors and seeing if the outcome you were worried would happen when facing a trigger with some new behaviors actually does occur or if something else happens instead.

5. Go back and review your assumptions and see if they start to change. If your assumptions and underlying beliefs change, your behaviors will follow.

By challenging and changing these assumptions, we enable our protection mechanisms to adapt. Over time, our nervous system becomes less reactive to the same triggers because it recognizes that they no longer pose a threat. 

This is the longer-term solution, leading to real healing and growth. It‘s not easy work. In fact, it‘s probably some of the most difficult. But those who embark on this journey of self-discovery are led down the road of true transformation. 

Seeking the help of a therapist or trusted coach can also be effective. I've also gone deep into 'triggers' on my 'You Are What You Think' podcast. If you want to dig even further, you can listen to the 'Your Triggers Are Your Friends!' episode on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

Final Thoughts

Triggers are inevitable in the journey of life. They can either unravel us or become stepping stones to personal growth. You control what stresses you. By understanding the triggering experience, recognizing the neuroscience behind it, and using coping strategies in the moment, you can regain control. 

However, to truly master your reaction to triggers, you must take the path of self-discovery and healing, understand your protection mechanisms, and challenge the assumptions that drive them. 

This journey, though challenging, leads to greater self-awareness, personal growth, and a more peaceful existence. So embrace the power to overcome your triggers, and you'll unlock the most authentic version of yourself.

References:

Cleveland Clinic - Amygdala - https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/24894-amygdala

Bailey R., Pico J. Defense Mechanisms. [Updated 2023 May 22]. StatPearls Publishing; 2023 Jan-. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559106/

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Why Your Perfectionism Is Stopping You from Improving

"You are enough."

Do you believe this? It's a simple phrase tossed around in self-help communities but is actually incredibly hard to truly believe in and live by. And what's more, the opposite of this is often praised in movies, popular culture, and education with the encouragement and celebration of perfectionism: Looks of admiration when a colleague says they had to pull an all-nighter to finish the project; silent nods of approval at the stay-at-home parent who always has the house tidy, dinner ready, and kids in bed while also managing to stay fit, healthy, and social….

Always improving, always striving, always being the best at this and that: it's a seductive narrative that can easily convince us that if we only reach or become XYZ, we will then finally be happy, successful, and satisfied. Unfortunately, not only will being perfect acquire you none of those things, but the path to perfection can even lead you to depression and disastrous failure, all while missing real opportunities for self-improvement along the way.

In this post, I'll break down the manipulative appeal of perfectionism and explain how adopting a growth mindset can help you move beyond. By doing so, you’ll be embracing your true self and a more fulfilling, productive, and balanced life.

The Concept of "You Are Enough"

Let's get one thing straight: believing you are enough is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for self-improvement and growth. It's not an excuse to stop working on yourself, developing your skills, or becoming a better friend, mother, son, or partner. The idea of believing that you are enough is about basic human rights and values: you are worthy of love, respect, kindness, and attention, no matter what.

You are enough—just the way you are—to deserve all of those things. Your status, education, wealth, clothing, skills, and fame do not entitle you to these things; you (and everyone else) have a right to them by the sheer fact that you are human. You are enough. There's nothing more you need to know, do, or have.

As you read this the above paragraph, what do you find yourself thinking? Do you believe it to be true? Or is there some small voice in your head that is saying something to the effect of, "Umm, actually... no, you're not."

We all have these voices. This unhelpful, negative, and sometimes all-out destructive self-talk is what I call saboteurs. And of all the self-talk saboteurs that humans carry around inside their heads, one of the most common villains is the "You are not enough" voice:

• You are not good enough.

• You are not smart enough.

• You are not pretty enough.

• You are not successful enough.

• You are not funny enough.

• You are not athletic enough.

Sounding familiar? I myself am in intimate regular conversations with the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th voices above, among many others.

So many of us tend to struggle with self-doubt, and we each have our way of navigating it and trying to deal with it. Some of our strategies are healthier than others. Obsessions, addictions, distractions... there are so many ways we compensate for not feeling good about ourselves.

Perfectionism is one such strategy, and of the many that are out there, it happens to be a particularly sneaky one because its associated behaviours are often publicly applauded.

So What Is Perfectionism?

There's no better summary that I've seen describing how perfectionism works than this excerpt from Brene Brown's book, "Dare to Lead." In it, she writes:

"Let's start with what perfectionism is not:

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move.

Perfectionism is not the self-protection we think it is. It is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfection is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: 'I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Prove.' Healthy striving is self-focused: 'How can I improve?' Perfectionism is other-focused: 'What will people think?' Perfectionism is a hustle.

Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, life paralysis, or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people's expectations, and being criticised keeps you outside the arena where healthy competition and striving unfold.

Last, perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. Perfectionism is a function of shame." (Brown, 2018)

Ok! If that is not a slap in the face of all the validating voices encouraging your perfectionism, I don't know what is. And if this is the first time you are hearing perfectionism described this way, and it's feeling like a blow to your head, take a deep breath. It's ok. You are not alone.

But brace yourself, because to hammer the final nail into the perfectionism coffin, here's how Brene goes on to define it:

"Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: 'If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.'

Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because perfection doesn't exist. It's an unattainable goal. Perfectionism is more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy we spend trying.

Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it's because we weren't perfect enough. Rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to look and do everything just right.

Perfectionism actually sets us up to feel shame, judgment, and blame, which then leads to even more shame and self-blame: 'It's my fault. I'm feeling this way because I'm not good enough.'" (Brown, 2018)

Below is an infographic that highlights some of the key differences between perfectionism myths and truths, as pointed out by Dr. Christina Hibbert, a clinical psychologist: 

So How Is All Of This Landing With You Now?

I know that for me, there's a firework of reactions that go off in my head. The loudest of them is the saboteur voice of perfectionism itself, telling me that this is a load of crap and a justification and rationalisation of anyone's poor performance.

There's also my insecurity saboteur voice telling me that what other people think of me does matter. And there's the armoured ego voice that says I don't have any shame or fears I'm running away from, so hah!

But behind all of those fearful, panicky voices, there's a quieter, more soft-spoken one that also asks to be heard when it questions: 'But what if it's true? What if all my efforts to look, sound and act a certain way have been motivated by a belief that only when I get the approval of others am I actually deserving of being loved and respected?'

And when I listen to this voice, I feel my perfectionism house-of-cards ideology start to crumble. In its absence, rather than emptiness, there is instead a surprisingly powerful feeling of groundedness and calm. The realisation that those external validations are not only fake trophies but even destructive in nature. I notice my attention shifting from being externally focused to internally oriented.

With that shift, there's an awareness that when I drop my objective to be the best in the eyes of others, and rather orient towards being the best I can be, I can both simultaneously believe in "I am enough" while also feeling enormous energy for self-improvement, growth, and achievement. The seeming tension between these two beliefs melts away. I begin to understand that success isn't about measuring up against the expectations and achievements of others; it's about an inner drive to expand my own creativity and resourcefulness and the joy of learning and growing that takes place along the way. And the inner motivation: it actually has the possibility to drive me way further than when I’m '“only” driven to beat others.

This, by the way, links beautifully with Carol Dweck's work on Fixed versus Growth mindsets, which you can read more about in my blog post on that topic. 

So that's where letting go of perfectionism and accepting that "I am enough" takes me. And, of course, it's a work in progress as I navigate just believing in it versus actually implementing it into my daily thoughts and behaviours.

What I'm Really Curious About Is: Where Does All This Take You?

As you simmer in your own thoughts about these differing belief systems, I want to end with some concrete actions (practices and tools) you can use to begin strengthening your confidence in "I am enough" and, with that, build your growth mindset.

Don't worry about doing all of these at once (after all, this is not just another task for your perfectionist self to win at). Rather, view these as various options and choose 1, max 2 of these, and then work on them for a while before revisiting the list and adding some additional ones.

1. Embrace challenges as opportunities for growth

Look at the next few challenges you face as opportunities for learning and growth rather than obstacles to avoid or that determine your worthiness. By embracing them, you can develop resilience and a positive attitude towards situations that stretch and grow you, rather than viewing those situations as threatening your image.

2. Cultivate a curious, learning-oriented approach

Cultivating a love of learning and a curious, open-minded attitude can help you develop a growth mindset. This involves making a habit of seeking out new information, trying new things, and asking questions rather than shying away from what you don’t know a lot about because you’re concerned you’ll look stupid or uninformed.

Look for something you know nearly nothing about (at work, in a conversation with a friend, at home) and get used to how it feels to be a total beginner with loads of questions.

3. Embrace failure as a stepping stone, not a setback

A growth mindset approach involves viewing failures as opportunities to grow and learn rather than as negative outcomes that should have been avoided. This helps foster resilience and perseverance and allows you to approach failures with a positive, constructive attitude rather than seeing them as a blemish on your credibility or ability.

So the next time a mistake or failure happens, catch that inner self-critic, pause it, and instead repeat: 'This failure happened for a reason. It's teaching me something important. What is it?'

4. Surround yourself with supportive and encouraging people

Find people who celebrate you for your effort and not just/only your results. This type of support can help you maintain a healthy mindset, even in the face of challenges and setbacks.

The right support can help boost your confidence, motivate you, and provide you with a sense of belonging. Start noticing what kind of praise you get from whom, and keep those people close who focus on your effort and qualities.

5. Focus more on the process and not just the outcome

Focus on the actions you take, the progress you make, and the lessons you learn along your journey rather than just the final result. Doing so allows you to not only enjoy the experience itself, but you may even find that you end up surpassing your originally set goals or objectives.

Take moments out of the journey to appreciate what you are learning and experiencing along the way that is valuable, regardless of whether you reach your planned destination or not.

6. Seek feedback, and use it constructively

Seeking feedback, rather than seeing it as criticism from others, can help you pinpoint areas for growth and improvement. This type of feedback can help you gain a new perspective on your strengths and weaknesses and refine your skills.

When asking for feedback, try these two questions, which will help improve the quality of what you get in return:

1. What am I doing well?

2. When I do this again, what can I do even better?

7. Reframe limiting beliefs and negative self-talk

Reframing negative thoughts and beliefs that hold you back can help you develop a growth mindset. Identify those perfectionist saboteurs and negative self-talk and replace them with more positive and empowering beliefs and affirmations.

Reading through blogs like these and taking the time to journal about what they mean to you—and then share your thoughts with a friend—is a great practice for this kind of self-awareness.

8. Stay open-minded and receptive to new experiences

Try new things, especially if they are outside of your comfort zone, and embrace new experiences with a positive, open-minded attitude. The more you do this, the greater your tolerance will be for the discomfort that always accompanies doing something new.

Make a list of things that are outside your comfort zone, from small ones (saying hi to strangers) to much bigger ones (signing up for a new course or program). Then choose one a week and do it!

Final Thoughts

Ditch perfectionism and embrace yourself by affirming: "I am enough." By adopting a growth mindset and focusing on progress over perfection, your self-development and life will be happier and more fulfilling. So go ahead, start shifting that mindset, and remember, you've got this! Just being you IS enough.

References:

Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead https://brenebrown.com/book/dare-to-lead/

Mindset Health - Growth Mindset vs Fixed Mindset

https://www.mindsethealth.com/matter/growth-vs-fixed-mindset

Dr. Christina Hibbert - Perfect? or Fake?: 8 Myths About Perfectionism & 8 Truths to Cure It https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/perfect-or-fake-8-myths-about-perfectionism-8-truths-to-cure/

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